Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Falling to pieces

I dont think I have ever had more go wrong in one week, than i did last week.
I don't think I can take much more. I have fought for so long, yet nothing seems to improve or even just stand still. Everything is falling to pieces right in front of my eyes....

How could i have let so much happen, so much go wrong?
I have worked hard to make sure we get by...but im useless.

I would give anything for things to calm down or go back to something normal...

Memory:

Cops showing up to a domestic dispute call.
I was the one who called.
Nothing stops her.
Not even slows her down.

That night there was arms wrapped around me.
I cried and cried.
Yet he still held me...through it all.
He didnt expect anything.
He just wanted to comfort me...

That night was the last night that I really saw him.
Things go wrong and of course they did with him and me.
We broke up not long after that...
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The night I knew he cared, no matter what would happen or did happen...
The following days he broke my heart and I couldnt stand him doing it again.
I knew he would. He even knew he would.
A few days later we said our goodbyes. I knew he cared about me. He still does.
We talk but now he is just a friend. I think I like being just a friend. Its better this way.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Shattered dreams...

Dreams are meant to be just dreams.

They are not meant to become reality...atleast for me.

Whenever I think I might finally reach one small dream, it slipped out from under me.
All my dreams become shattered. That's how it always plays out.
I was so close to my dream. I was actually getting excited.
that was my mistake.
What it comes down to is this: Family responiblities come first. I refuse to do what I want while i am need at home.
So this is my goodbye to chicago. the dream was almost reality. but thats when the true reality hit me hard... goodbye.
Memory:
Promising you everything will be okay.
You will never be alone.
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- the night i realized i had chosen to stay.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Realizing

Today I was in the hospital for blood work because I was literally blue.
Called different doctors.
Waited. Waited. Waited.
Came home and then went straight to the E.R.

Allergic to the dye in the shirt I was wearing.
Great!

All my sister can say is I am faking.
Faking being sick.
Faking everything.

I dont complain.
I haven't sinced I realized no one cared.

Even now all she can do is yell at me.
That is her only way of communicating to me.
No love.
No caring.
Nothing.
I am nothing to her...

Memory:
Mom is high and drunk again.
Fighting and fighting with someone.
My baby brother and i laying on the bed because we were forced to be quiet.
Last thing I see is mom doing something no one should.

My sister had jumped between my brother and I.
She covered our eyes.
So we wouldnt see the terrible things going on....
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The night I was positive she loved me.
The night she promised to always look out for me.

Tonight I realized somewhere along the way, she stopped loving me.
She broke that promise.
Never knowing I still remember it.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Broken

Broken.
Today I realized that I can't pretend I'm okay anymore.
Im not.
I accept fully that I am broken.
Completely broken.

Last night I decided that I cant take this anymore.
Options are screaming at me.
Now is my time to pick the one that is right for me.

Things are changing in my life, so I should to.

I dont think anyone can fix what has been done.

Today I stop waiting.

Memory:
Sitting at the computer looking at songs for my 8 year old cousin.
Showing pictures of Chicago.
He asked if I would take him there one day with me.
Just him and me.

I tell him Im going to be living there and he just looks at me.
The look that tells me I just broke a piece of his heart.
He is the first person to tell me something and mean it.
That something is this: I will miss you.
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The night I found myself crying because an 8 year old is the first person to tell me i will be missed.
The night I realized I had caused him pain...
The night I decided to rethink going to Chicago.