I dont think I have ever had more go wrong in one week, than i did last week.
I don't think I can take much more. I have fought for so long, yet nothing seems to improve or even just stand still. Everything is falling to pieces right in front of my eyes....
How could i have let so much happen, so much go wrong?
I have worked hard to make sure we get by...but im useless.
I would give anything for things to calm down or go back to something normal...
Memory:
Cops showing up to a domestic dispute call.
I was the one who called.
Nothing stops her.
Not even slows her down.
That night there was arms wrapped around me.
I cried and cried.
Yet he still held me...through it all.
He didnt expect anything.
He just wanted to comfort me...
That night was the last night that I really saw him.
Things go wrong and of course they did with him and me.
We broke up not long after that...
-----------------------------------------
The night I knew he cared, no matter what would happen or did happen...
The following days he broke my heart and I couldnt stand him doing it again.
I knew he would. He even knew he would.
A few days later we said our goodbyes. I knew he cared about me. He still does.
We talk but now he is just a friend. I think I like being just a friend. Its better this way.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Shattered dreams...
Dreams are meant to be just dreams.
They are not meant to become reality...atleast for me.
Whenever I think I might finally reach one small dream, it slipped out from under me.
They are not meant to become reality...atleast for me.
Whenever I think I might finally reach one small dream, it slipped out from under me.
All my dreams become shattered. That's how it always plays out.
I was so close to my dream. I was actually getting excited.
that was my mistake.
What it comes down to is this: Family responiblities come first. I refuse to do what I want while i am need at home.
So this is my goodbye to chicago. the dream was almost reality. but thats when the true reality hit me hard... goodbye.
Memory:
Promising you everything will be okay.
You will never be alone.
------------------------------
- the night i realized i had chosen to stay.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Realizing
Today I was in the hospital for blood work because I was literally blue.
Called different doctors.
Waited. Waited. Waited.
Came home and then went straight to the E.R.
Allergic to the dye in the shirt I was wearing.
Great!
All my sister can say is I am faking.
Faking being sick.
Faking everything.
I dont complain.
I haven't sinced I realized no one cared.
Even now all she can do is yell at me.
That is her only way of communicating to me.
No love.
No caring.
Nothing.
I am nothing to her...
Memory:
Mom is high and drunk again.
Fighting and fighting with someone.
My baby brother and i laying on the bed because we were forced to be quiet.
Last thing I see is mom doing something no one should.
My sister had jumped between my brother and I.
She covered our eyes.
So we wouldnt see the terrible things going on....
--------------------------------------
The night I was positive she loved me.
The night she promised to always look out for me.
Tonight I realized somewhere along the way, she stopped loving me.
She broke that promise.
Never knowing I still remember it.
Called different doctors.
Waited. Waited. Waited.
Came home and then went straight to the E.R.
Allergic to the dye in the shirt I was wearing.
Great!
All my sister can say is I am faking.
Faking being sick.
Faking everything.
I dont complain.
I haven't sinced I realized no one cared.
Even now all she can do is yell at me.
That is her only way of communicating to me.
No love.
No caring.
Nothing.
I am nothing to her...
Memory:
Mom is high and drunk again.
Fighting and fighting with someone.
My baby brother and i laying on the bed because we were forced to be quiet.
Last thing I see is mom doing something no one should.
My sister had jumped between my brother and I.
She covered our eyes.
So we wouldnt see the terrible things going on....
--------------------------------------
The night I was positive she loved me.
The night she promised to always look out for me.
Tonight I realized somewhere along the way, she stopped loving me.
She broke that promise.
Never knowing I still remember it.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Broken
Broken.
Today I realized that I can't pretend I'm okay anymore.
Im not.
I accept fully that I am broken.
Completely broken.
Last night I decided that I cant take this anymore.
Options are screaming at me.
Now is my time to pick the one that is right for me.
Things are changing in my life, so I should to.
I dont think anyone can fix what has been done.
Today I stop waiting.
Memory:
Sitting at the computer looking at songs for my 8 year old cousin.
Showing pictures of Chicago.
He asked if I would take him there one day with me.
Just him and me.
I tell him Im going to be living there and he just looks at me.
The look that tells me I just broke a piece of his heart.
He is the first person to tell me something and mean it.
That something is this: I will miss you.
-----------------------------------------------
The night I found myself crying because an 8 year old is the first person to tell me i will be missed.
The night I realized I had caused him pain...
The night I decided to rethink going to Chicago.
Today I realized that I can't pretend I'm okay anymore.
Im not.
I accept fully that I am broken.
Completely broken.
Last night I decided that I cant take this anymore.
Options are screaming at me.
Now is my time to pick the one that is right for me.
Things are changing in my life, so I should to.
I dont think anyone can fix what has been done.
Today I stop waiting.
Memory:
Sitting at the computer looking at songs for my 8 year old cousin.
Showing pictures of Chicago.
He asked if I would take him there one day with me.
Just him and me.
I tell him Im going to be living there and he just looks at me.
The look that tells me I just broke a piece of his heart.
He is the first person to tell me something and mean it.
That something is this: I will miss you.
-----------------------------------------------
The night I found myself crying because an 8 year old is the first person to tell me i will be missed.
The night I realized I had caused him pain...
The night I decided to rethink going to Chicago.
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