failure

Today I realized I am a failure. I'm not good at anything. I try my hardest yet I have achieved nothing. My sister hates me, my grandmother can't look at me and my brother doesn't talk to me. No one cares. There is no point to this life....

conversation

This is a conversation I had tonight with a friend of mine. This is word for word. (screen names are changed AH=friend, me=me) ...He is sometimes random as you will see.
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AH says:
hey

Me says:
hey

AH says:
omg

Me says:
wat?

AH says:
i know a girl who has a perfect family and a over all good life but is so fucked up and someone like you who has been through so much stays so posative and a great person. how does this work

Me says:
what?

AH says:
read it again but slower lol

Me says:
just didnt expect it

AH says:
well seriously
you are amazing!

Me says:
are you drunk?

AH says:
lol no not in the slightest just coming to realize things lol

Me says:
ok
well i guess thank you?

AH says:
lol the other person i am referign to is someone you know, she was one year below us

Me says:
well thank you AH
but things arent always what they appear

AH says:
well if not you do a damn good job of hiding things
!]
!*

Me says:
meaning?

AH says:
if you are sayin that things are not what they seem you are good at playing that "cool" all is good attitude
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Anyway if you have actually read the conversation then thank you and you are probably wondering the importance of this.

Lately I have had things going completely bizarre. This made me happy. Happy to know that to everyone else I seem positive. that they cant see the hurt.

Fighting

When do you stop fighting for something?

When do you say to yourself, I dont think its worth the fight?

When do you decide to give up and let go of something you have fought so long to hold on to?

Do you just wake up one morning and say "There's no point, lets move on"?

What do you do when you realize that even though you have held on so long, it hasnt made a damn bit of difference?

Giving up would be easy. Its forgetting everything that has happened that would be the hardest thing...

How do you make yourself see what everyone else does?
How do you let go of something that was once perfect and safe?
How do you tell yourself that you no longer love what you once did?

These are questions that I know I'll never know the answers to...
yet that doesnt stop me from thinking about them.

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Memory:

Laying in the hospital bed thinking "Why cant this be over?"
I felt so alone just laying there.
No one understanding what I was going through..
Hell the doctors didnt even know.
Willing to give anything/everything just to be a little more healthy.
Wishing I was someone else.
Wanting to just give up on life and say goodbye for good.
Then looking out the door and seeing the little kids so happy but knowing they are so sick.

Asking myself "Why would God let a child suffer so much and then die before they even get a chance to live?"
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The day/night I realized I would continue to go through whatever I was dealt, hoping that if I suffered, one less person would.
I would go through any pain just so no one else had to suffer. If the doctors find out what's wrong with me and what can make it better. I would do it so they didnt have to experiment on any other.

Also the day I realized that I am never going to be okay again... that Im not going to live the many years everyone should. The day I realized that fighting for extra years just weakened me and evitably took time from what is left.