Thursday, August 20, 2009

Sick

I'm sick again...
Tired of being sick.

It's storming pretty bad outside.
My favorite weather.

Have you ever just listened to the rain?
Just lay down by a window or stand up staring out of one, looking at the rain?
Have you ever went outside after a storm?
Seen how everything looks perfect, new?
As if the rain washed away everything bad...
The air smells the cleanest and freshest it probably ever smells.

What if the rain could do that?
just wash away everything bad, every imperfection.
Making everything perfect.

What if we opened our eyes to see the natural beauty instead of fearing it?

Maybe we would be different. Maybe we, like the earth, were wiped cleaned...

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Memory:

It had been thundering and storming all night.
The rain was just ceasing.
It was beautiful out.
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I wrote about this memory before but I cant seem to forget it.
The night he came in my room...
I remember thinking all I wanted was for the rain to pick up again.
To wash away everything about him.
To wash me away.

It didnt rain again that night.
It didnt rain for awhile after.
Tonight it is storming out side.
Its been over a year.
Tonight maybe I can finally wash away the thought of him....

Friday, August 7, 2009

PawPaw

I don't really know who reads this. I have shown it to a few people but they probably havent looked again, nothing wrong with that...

I don't know anymore. Today was crazy.
The guy who took so much from me, is here.
He has been all day.
Whenever he is around I get this bad feeling as if I know something bad is going to happen again. This feeling has caused me to throw up 3 and now almost 4 times today... I hate this. It wont go away. This feeling is making me sick all together. I want it to go away, I want him to go away...

On another point:
I have dreaded my own birthday every year since I was 8 getting ready to turn 9.
Less than a month before I turned 9, my grandfather died. He was my hero. The only male figure in my life at the time that was worth having.

I had a hard time with his death and I still do if I think to much about it... No one ever knew that, that is why I hated birthdays so much.

Now mine is not even a week away and I want it to be over. So I can go back to being ignored...
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Memory:

Couldnt have been 8 but a couple months.
Waking up in the middle of the night, scared..
All I wanted was him.
He made everything bad go away.
Moving my brother so I could lay next to him.
With him I knew I would always be safe.
I would never have to be afraid...

The night my grandpa made me safe. But you should never feel safe, that is when the world crashes down. He died only months later...... He was my pawpaw