Saturday, March 28, 2009

to late

I am to late. I am always to late. Never there when I should be, need to be.
I never had a 'normal' family. my mother is not what anyone could want in a mom. because of her i cant trust. i cant get close to anyone. i cant stand to be touched in any way...all because i am afraid of what could happen. I cant stand to hug a friend because my skin crawls, thinking about when i was little and having her let everyone touch me. flash backs hurt but what hurts the worst is when history repeats itself... i will never be free of my past so instead i run trying to stay ahead of it...

memory:
doctors asking me what happened. why did it happen. not knowing what they wanted me to say. even when they want my truth, i cant seem to tell it because it will hurt someone. so instead i say what i know they want me to say, what they want to hear. its doesnt matter if im in pain, as long as no one else is.

- the first spasm. the first siezure. the first time my past caught up to me..

Sunday, March 22, 2009

waiting

i am numb.
i am numb because of my anti-depressant.

when i forget to take it.
i get upset over small things, but i cry.



i dont know which is better...numb or pain


memory:
waiting outside for our car to pull up, so we could go to a going away party. you never came back. i waited. fell asleep waiting, even though i knew you werent coming home ever again. waiting even after they told me you were gone forever.

waiting.
waiting.
waiting.

that night you took my heart with you. that night was suppose to be a party about seeing family again and about saying goodbye to them for awhile. instead that night we said goodbye to you. they come back but you never will.

the night my grandpa died...the night i started waiting and still i havent stopped.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

love

Time flies... I can remember everything about us. But with time comes secrets. I loved him since we first met. I would do anything so he would never have to feel pain or be hurt in anyway. Instead I am the one hurting him by holding on. I cant let go. I love him to much. I need him so much. He wont tell him what he wants. All we do is fight. I cant take fighting with him.

memory:
Road tripping with a friend and her family. texting none stop. arguing back and forth. finally he tells me he cant take fighting with me over something he doesnt care that much about. He says he has to tell me something when i get home... that day never seem to have come to a close. once at home he calls and we sit and talk for awhile. he tells me that he has to say something then or else he will never. softly he said "im falling in love with you". my reply? "I started falling for you a long time ago, you caught me. i just hope i can catch you"....

- I remember that day, everything i did and everything i felt. I remember what i was wearing and what we talked about. i remember it all like it was yesterday. that was 4 years ago, almost 5. Now, i dont even remember the last time he told me he loved me...wait now i do, it was this past summer. he always told me i was his only baby and that i will forever be his baby.

i never thought forever would end so soon...

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

options

What do you do in a situation when you only have a couple options? What if neither is what you truly want? What do you do when what you want, you know you will never have? Do you settle? Do you forget about what you want?

Today I found out that my grandma (2) is in the nursing home because she flipped her car 3 times. she isnt doing well at all. I wish I could be there for her, she is in Louisana and I'm north of there. I don't know her daughter's number or any one she is around. All i have is her number and that doesnt seem to be helping. I have no one to call to see if she is going to be alright. She is the only one on that side of the family that I ever really knew.

Memory:
The fight between my mom and my grandma(1). I was in the middle, both pulling. Mom won and I didnt think I would ever see my grandma again. Next thing I know I am wondering if we will survive. Then the next thing i remember, the cops pulling up and arresting her and him. they went to jail and we went into the system because no one was there to claim us....

- Thats the moment I became more of an adult than a child. the last "childhood" memory. from then on, no more childhood. I was 5.

Monday, March 9, 2009

decided

I spent most of today thinking about how I would write this blog.

As of right now I have decided that I would write something about my day and then give a little of my background. like a memory or a story. A way to help you understand me a little better.

first memory:

crawling out of bed late at night because of a nightmare. wanting no one but my daddy. he came and laid with me until i fell asleep.

-the only good memory i have of my dad before he left...

getting started

So i guess this will be my official first post.

a couple years ago a good friend of mine told me that i should try this out, i didn't then. now i am and i wish that i could be able to tell him i did start a blog.

I am starting this because he told me that my story needed to be heard. He didn't know that he hadn't heard very much of it. I am doing this for him.



I have no idea how to write a blog, what to say, what not to say, or if anyone will really read it.

I also don't know if I will open up about everything or even just something.

But I am going to try this out...