Sunday, April 26, 2009

Alone

Have you ever felt completely alone?
Ever so alone you just want to curl up in a ball?

I have. I always do.

I could go out with friends but even with them i feel alone.
I love them, all of them. I just always feel out of place.

I talk to people but never really talk to them.

No one knows the whole story about me.
No one cares to know.
I would tell them if they cared enough to ask.

I think people only hear what they want, see only what they want.
I keep quiet about a lot of things, and i try to appear happy...

I guess i would rather people think that i just dont go to school.
They would rather just assume that then know that im in the hospital all that time.

Assumptions, suck.

memory:
Lying down on a bed in the emergancy room.
looking up at the ceiling yet seeing nothing.
i am completely numb.
feeling nothing at all.
nothing helps.
no one can help.
she is holding my hand but somewhere else.

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- the night the doctors' told me i almost had a stroke. the night i laughed at them when they said stress less. the night i spent feeling completely alone and no one to talk to...

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Questions

If you had a chance to forget it everything and start over, would you?
If you could just walk away and never look back, would you?
If you could start over, what would you change?

Would I take the chance?
No.

Would I walk away?
I would like to more than anything, but no.

What would I change?
I would change the way i acted as a child, by taking more responsibility. Would have made things easier if I would have.

memory:

slowly falling asleep.
it was one of those perfect summer nights.
it had been raining all day, so by the night it was cool outside and the air was perfect.
...

woke up with someone unlocking my door.
just wanting to be alone to enjoy the peace.
he got in anyway.
no one came, no one helped.
no one cared....

scars heal but memories will always be there.

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the night i realized there really is no way to be safe...

Thursday, April 2, 2009

lena...

tonight i realized that atleast one person cares...Lena.
I hope she reads this one.
She has given me hope that maybe someone will remember me, atleast in one way.
------------------------
My mother.
I guess i should talk about her a little, so that maybe you will understand why she is a big part of my story.
My mother is bi-polar. She uses that as an excuse.
She used to be the perfect girl. Captin of the cheerleading team. Most popular girl in school. The girl every guy wanted to date, the one every girl wanted to be. She was top in her class. She went to every college. Very smart. Very beautiful. My friends still talk about how "hot" my mom used to be.
I guess this is where it started. She knows what high school is suppose to be. She knows what it is like to be everyone's dream, beautiful. Everything changed once she went to college.

Her first college was in the city about an hour away. She was introduced to drugs. You have to understand that where i live, also where she grew up, drugs are not a big thing. maybe pot, but nothing more. i live in a small small town, in the middle of nowhere. we drink but nothing bigger. our crime rate is almost nonexsistant, and what we do have is many drunk driving and domestic disbutes (the domestic issues are all my mom, no one else). there has been only one murder in my entire county and that was 40 years ago.

I didnt know my mom when she was 'good'. my sister was born when my mom was 22. i was born a couple years later. and my brother 2 years later. by the time i came around my mom was slipping further away. she had already been divorced once. my dad wasnt perfect, he was just as involved with drugs as mom. when my brother was born, there was no mom left. he never knew the little bit of a mother i had known and none of what my sister knew.

a couple years later, it was clear my sister was raising us. eventually my mom took us. we went on a 'vacation'. we got a couple states away. we wanted to be home. we didnt want to be with her. we wanted on grandparents. at that point we knew we wouldnt ever see them again. on the vacation we had seen more things than most people see in their lifetime. i wasnt even 6. eventually my mom was arrested and we were taken away from her. my sister has a diferent last name from my brother and i. she was taken one place, my brother and i a different place. i never thought i would see her again. that was when i started taking care of my brother. he was 3. luckily he doesnt remember any of this. my sister and i do. i remember everything about that vacation. we spent a couple months in foster care. no claimed us. then my grandparents came to get us. we flew home on my 6 birthday. a couple years later i found out that if we were to have stayed even a few more days, we would have become up for adoption.

my grandparents immediately got custody of all 3 of us. life was looking up. but all good things come to an end. my mom got out of jail. she came back and what her discipline then would now be considered severe child abuse. we went to the police, they just put it on record nothing more. so at an yearly age we knew no one could stop her. or atleast no one cared. years went by and even though we were with our grandparents, she got to us. my best friend witnessed alot, i think thats why we have been friends so long. she knows the truth. she has seen with her own eyes.

we never told anyone after we learned even the police didnt care. so we suffered alone and silently.

today, i talk to my mom but not much. my sister doesnt even pay attention to her. my brother talks to her to. early on i decided he wasnt going to go through what we did so i stepped in her way when she went after him. he doesnt remember and i am glad. i took his beatings and i still wouldnt have had it any other way.

my friends love my mom. they dont know the real her. they dont know the part that she calls "family issues". so when i dont talk to her or i get mad at her, i get alot of comments about how horrible i am to her. how wonderful she is. i guess i have chosen for that to be like it is. no one needs to know. i dont think i could ever really let them know the truth. they wouldnt understand. everyone one here knows the beauty in life i never will. their greatest problems with their parents is when to be home or what they are wearing. i would give anything to have only those problems.

i guess i should also tell you that the medical problems i suffer from are linked to my mom. the doctors have told me to stress less and how i should act. what they dont know is that i cant stress less. or change. they arent the ones who run and hide when they hear their mother's voice or if they see her. they arent the ones that know what she is capable of. i am the one who does. i live in fear every day of my life....

i dont think anyone will read all this. it is just nice to get it all down. there are still a lot of parts missing from this. its just all to much to bare right now. i will tell in future memories. if you do read this. thank you.