Thursday, January 7, 2010

A New Year

Its been one hell of a new year so far...

I've been having spasms more which leaves me weak and tired alot.
Everyone just thinks I sleep alot.

Doctors suck... enough said.

January 1, the first official day of 2010.
I was thrown back to the past.
To my 5 year old self.
Watching her world fall apart and not knowing who to trust.
Not knowing when she would be okay, if she would ever be ok.


Christmas was ok.
I had a good time.
A friend sent me some books, probably the best gift but there was thought put into it.
At christmas, people get so worked up over what to get everyone that not a lot of people actually think, really think, about what they are getting someone. Usually we see something and say "so and so would like this" but that is all.
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Memory:

Forcing myself to stay up just a little bit longer. Wanting to see what happens at midnight. Wondering why 12:00 means so much in determining a whole new year...Watchin tv with my grandma, brother and sister.
Counting down:
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1



Nothing happens.
I dont feel any different.
Will things get better this year?

Deciding not to care.
Running into my grandparent's room and waking up my grandpa.
"Grandpa, its a new year. what happens now?"
He just smiles, gives me a hug and kiss.
"a new year means things change, Lou Lou Bella"
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-After that I just sigh because things had rarely ever changed for the better. But a little hope creeps in, my grandpa wouldnt lie to me. Obviously it was New Years Eve and the tradition we had was that I always got to go wake up my grandpa to wish him a happy new year. Something so small. I remember this one year the best because I never really saw the importance of New Years Ever, just another night. This one year my grandpa told me what it meant, well a meaning that would satisfy a little girl enough so she would leave and he would go back to sleep. No matter the meaning, this has stayed with me.
Things change, for the better or for the worse. Nothing stays the same, it isnt suppose to. To grow we must change or something needs to change.

I need to change this year. Really change. I am atleast going to try.