Friday, July 23, 2010

Newest News

Lately things have been going up and down.

I did find out that the cyst the doctors found in April, was not malignant. I hugged my doctor and my eyes watered. I was happy. My doctor said "The cyst was non-malignant. It is looking up for you." I have never been told that. Those words were one of the best things ever said to me.

More good news (non sarcastic too!). My mother was arrested. Its nice not having to hear her voice or wince everytime I hear it. For the first time in her entire life she is taking responsibility for something, the funniest part- it's something she DIDN'T do. She wants to keep her boyfriend out of trouble so she is taking the blame. Only when it comes to men, does she act like an adult or show affection for someone other than herself.

The night before last I had the urge to just get in my car and leave. I just couldn't take being here anymore. So, I picked up my friend and we headed north. We had a full tank of gas, $50 between us, cell phones, cell phone chargers, my camera (with extra batteries), music and not much else. I drove and drove. We ended up at a friend's house about 3 hours away from here. We hung out, joked around and had a good time. I knew we had to come back, didn't want to but we had to. Too many responsibilities, too many people counting on us. I wish I didn't turn around. I wish I would have kept driving. Chicago was only 2 hours from there, if that. I have friends near Chicago that would have let us stay a night. After that we could have drove somewhere else. Between her and I, we know a lot of people from around the country. All together that night we drove about 250miles. When we started out, we weren't sure of our destination but I loved that. No commitments or promises to anyone. No one knew we left. The weight was lifted off my shoulders for the first time in a long time. Even when we decided to go to our friend's house, the weightlessness lasted. I smiled and laughed. Met incredible people. But the moment I walked out their door, knowing I was headed home, the feeling came back. I miss that feeling of weightlessness.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Darkness

Have you ever felt so alone that you feel this hole inside you? The hole getting bigger and bigger with each passing day, nothing helps it. Pretty soon the hole consumes you and you find it hard to fake that smile every day, you start seeing everything in a bad way. When friends tell you they love you, you say it back because you do love them but you can't feel their love for you. Little kids smiling and laughing makes you smile at their innocence but you can't help but wonder why you never had that same smile and you are jealous of them. You feel ruined. Like you are not enough for anyone, because honestly you aren't. You haven't smiled a real smile in a long time. You have become a stranger to your close friends and to yourself. You can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and you are afraid that this darkness you have become is the only thing you will ever be.

This has become my life, I hate it...