Updates, yay!
I guess I will start this off with good news, I've been feeling okay lately.
I am now 19. I used to think I was lucky to live past 5. Then lucky to make it past 14. As the years went on I was waiting for something to happen. Like my life has been this never ending joke. "haha you lived today but maybe not tomorrow". Like every year I was lucky to make it. I turned 18 and thought "wow. I can leave this place." Then I remembered I can't. Age is only a number. It doesn't mean anything when it comes to life. It doesn't tell you someone's experiences or how they will be in another year. Age is only important when it comes to the law. When it comes to life experiences you can't judge someone by their age. Six months before my 19th birthday I was told my health insurance was going away at 19. I started dreading my own birthday, even more than I ever had before. It didn't seem fair, I have fought for so long to beat this illness/illnesses and now it didn't matter how hard I fought because now I can't afford to fight. A friend told me I should married a rich guy so he can pay my medical bills. Sometimes that doesn't sound like a bad idea. But I won't do it. So my medical insurance is gone and I am left wondering if may it is a good idea to just give up. Just break away from all the bad...
In the last couple of weeks I have met some interesting people. They have each shown me a lot about others and myself. I wish I could repay them.
I am starting to like someone. Someone I didn't think was possible for me to like. He isn't someone I would have ever thought would give me a second glance. Last night he told me he really liked me, in every way possible. It is odd for me.
I will leave with a memory. A happy one.
-----------------------------------------------
A few friends showing up at another friends.
Each one walking in and giving me a hug.
One friend sits in a chair across from me and starts throwing a pillow back and forth between he and I. I reach for the stuffed dog toy and through it at him. He throws it back at me and this continues for a little bit. He starts tossing it in the air and I joke that he loves playing with toys. We joke and joke. As he gets ready to leave a part of me is sad to see him go. I know I won't see him for awhile. I know that he wants to stay but he can't. He hugs me goodbye and tells me he will call me later.
Right after that another friend runs at me from the back of the house and hugs me as tight as he can. I laugh and after we all just sit around joking and talking, we decide to leave. We spend the night laughing and telling stories. We hung out in Steak N' Shake for 2 hours. We took too many photos and laughed too much. Later it started to pour down raining and we pulled over and got out of the car and danced and played in the rain. Blaring music and singing at the top of our lungs.
We ended the night back at my friend's house by sitting around talking about life. About the future.
-----------------------------------------------------
This was how I spent my birthday. My friend threw me a party with a couple friends. I needed that night and I had fun. Left a memory I want to always remember.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Newest News
Lately things have been going up and down.
I did find out that the cyst the doctors found in April, was not malignant. I hugged my doctor and my eyes watered. I was happy. My doctor said "The cyst was non-malignant. It is looking up for you." I have never been told that. Those words were one of the best things ever said to me.
More good news (non sarcastic too!). My mother was arrested. Its nice not having to hear her voice or wince everytime I hear it. For the first time in her entire life she is taking responsibility for something, the funniest part- it's something she DIDN'T do. She wants to keep her boyfriend out of trouble so she is taking the blame. Only when it comes to men, does she act like an adult or show affection for someone other than herself.
The night before last I had the urge to just get in my car and leave. I just couldn't take being here anymore. So, I picked up my friend and we headed north. We had a full tank of gas, $50 between us, cell phones, cell phone chargers, my camera (with extra batteries), music and not much else. I drove and drove. We ended up at a friend's house about 3 hours away from here. We hung out, joked around and had a good time. I knew we had to come back, didn't want to but we had to. Too many responsibilities, too many people counting on us. I wish I didn't turn around. I wish I would have kept driving. Chicago was only 2 hours from there, if that. I have friends near Chicago that would have let us stay a night. After that we could have drove somewhere else. Between her and I, we know a lot of people from around the country. All together that night we drove about 250miles. When we started out, we weren't sure of our destination but I loved that. No commitments or promises to anyone. No one knew we left. The weight was lifted off my shoulders for the first time in a long time. Even when we decided to go to our friend's house, the weightlessness lasted. I smiled and laughed. Met incredible people. But the moment I walked out their door, knowing I was headed home, the feeling came back. I miss that feeling of weightlessness.
I did find out that the cyst the doctors found in April, was not malignant. I hugged my doctor and my eyes watered. I was happy. My doctor said "The cyst was non-malignant. It is looking up for you." I have never been told that. Those words were one of the best things ever said to me.
More good news (non sarcastic too!). My mother was arrested. Its nice not having to hear her voice or wince everytime I hear it. For the first time in her entire life she is taking responsibility for something, the funniest part- it's something she DIDN'T do. She wants to keep her boyfriend out of trouble so she is taking the blame. Only when it comes to men, does she act like an adult or show affection for someone other than herself.
The night before last I had the urge to just get in my car and leave. I just couldn't take being here anymore. So, I picked up my friend and we headed north. We had a full tank of gas, $50 between us, cell phones, cell phone chargers, my camera (with extra batteries), music and not much else. I drove and drove. We ended up at a friend's house about 3 hours away from here. We hung out, joked around and had a good time. I knew we had to come back, didn't want to but we had to. Too many responsibilities, too many people counting on us. I wish I didn't turn around. I wish I would have kept driving. Chicago was only 2 hours from there, if that. I have friends near Chicago that would have let us stay a night. After that we could have drove somewhere else. Between her and I, we know a lot of people from around the country. All together that night we drove about 250miles. When we started out, we weren't sure of our destination but I loved that. No commitments or promises to anyone. No one knew we left. The weight was lifted off my shoulders for the first time in a long time. Even when we decided to go to our friend's house, the weightlessness lasted. I smiled and laughed. Met incredible people. But the moment I walked out their door, knowing I was headed home, the feeling came back. I miss that feeling of weightlessness.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Darkness
Have you ever felt so alone that you feel this hole inside you? The hole getting bigger and bigger with each passing day, nothing helps it. Pretty soon the hole consumes you and you find it hard to fake that smile every day, you start seeing everything in a bad way. When friends tell you they love you, you say it back because you do love them but you can't feel their love for you. Little kids smiling and laughing makes you smile at their innocence but you can't help but wonder why you never had that same smile and you are jealous of them. You feel ruined. Like you are not enough for anyone, because honestly you aren't. You haven't smiled a real smile in a long time. You have become a stranger to your close friends and to yourself. You can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and you are afraid that this darkness you have become is the only thing you will ever be.
This has become my life, I hate it...
This has become my life, I hate it...
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Changes over time
I haven't really noticed how much I have changed in a little amount of time. I have noticed some changes but never thought so many.
First time realizing a significant change:
Last week an old friend of mine stopped by with a close friend, they are dating now. I haven't seen him since February and when he seen me he had to double take. He stopped for a second, barely noticeable, and then he came up to me with a smile and hugged me. He hugged me for a couple of minutes. He pulled away, looked at me, smiled and said "I've missed you so much". We hung out for awhile, just talking and joking around. He is crazy about my friend and she is crazy about him. Seeing them together and so happy, makes me happy.
Second time:
Later that same night, a couple other old friends who I used to hang out with, stopped by. They had heard my other friends were here and wanted to stop by and hangout like we used to. Two of the friends, noticeably , stopped when they saw me and then came and sat around the table with us. We started up the conversation again, talked about old times and things that have happened since. At this point there were six people plus me, just sitting around talking.
Third time:
Another friend who had rode down with the other friends, came by to hang out until they had to leave. He brought with him 2 other people I didn't know. He walked in my house and looked around, introducing everyone to the two people he brought in with him. He got around the table to me and introduced me without really glancing at me. As he sat down, for the first time he looked at me. He stopped talking and just looked, causing everyone too. He smiled at me and then picked up where he stopped. As they were leaving, everyone said bye and promised to hang out again. This friend stopped and came up to me, looked at me for a second and just gave me a huge hug. He told me that I looked happy, that he missed hanging out and that he would stop by again the following week when he was in town.
As everyone finally left I sat back down and started thinking. Thinking about everything that has happened in just the last couple months. I thought about how they acted and how they visibly reacted. I realized I have missed out on time with them. They know I don't like to be touched but they hugged me, hesitant at first because they knew this but they did anyway. I didn't flinch away. I hugged back. Part of me didn't want to let go. They are happier now. They have changed as well. Some of the guys have girlfriends now, which made me smile knowing they are happy. A large part of me realized though, they are happier without me and even though we've missed the old times and each other, we probably won't hang out for awhile. Our lives have taken different paths.
I wish I could say I am happier without them but I can't. Yes, I am happier than I was those months ago but I am happier because I have changed and worked hard to. I thought it was all for the better, they think the change is completely for the better. In reality though, I said my goodbyes to them before surgery in February, I said goodbye to some pieces of me along with them. The change is better because I am no longer close to them as I once was, this is better so I can't hurt them. It is better because even thought I am alone, they are happy. I didn't just leave pieces of myself with them, they left pieces of themselves with me. I love those memories. Those are the ones I seem to forget so easily.
The friend who said I would see him the following week, I did see two days ago. He kept his promise to me.
------------------------------------------------
I haven't said a memory in awhile so here is a good one.
Memory:
Hanging out at a good friend's house with a few other friends. We talked, listened to music and joked around for hours. Later after the majority of them left, 4 of us decided to just hang out and play Xbox. While my best friend and another friend were playing Call of Duty, I was joking around with another friend that I could win a wrestling contest against him because he would never hurt me. He took this challenge and we started wrestling (well what we call wrestling...more like making the other person fall from a standing stance). He came up and tickled me, which was against the rules since we are both extremely ticklish, I immediately fell and he declared he won. I finally collected myself enough to focus on getting him to fall. I went straight for his knees and he went down laughing.
-------------------------------
- This is the night after I had gotten in a fight with my mom, a bad fight. I went to the friend's house because I needed a laugh and thought maybe it would be a small escape from reality. Instead I found a wonderful escape full of laughter and the time of my life. That entire night I had forgotten all about my mom, my family, and every other issue I had going on. Sitting here remembering it causes me to smile. Plus we used this as a private joke between the four of us. That friend who I was wrestling with was the same friend who said bye after everyone else. That friend still occasionally texts me "I so won that night, you cheated"...
First time realizing a significant change:
Last week an old friend of mine stopped by with a close friend, they are dating now. I haven't seen him since February and when he seen me he had to double take. He stopped for a second, barely noticeable, and then he came up to me with a smile and hugged me. He hugged me for a couple of minutes. He pulled away, looked at me, smiled and said "I've missed you so much". We hung out for awhile, just talking and joking around. He is crazy about my friend and she is crazy about him. Seeing them together and so happy, makes me happy.
Second time:
Later that same night, a couple other old friends who I used to hang out with, stopped by. They had heard my other friends were here and wanted to stop by and hangout like we used to. Two of the friends, noticeably , stopped when they saw me and then came and sat around the table with us. We started up the conversation again, talked about old times and things that have happened since. At this point there were six people plus me, just sitting around talking.
Third time:
Another friend who had rode down with the other friends, came by to hang out until they had to leave. He brought with him 2 other people I didn't know. He walked in my house and looked around, introducing everyone to the two people he brought in with him. He got around the table to me and introduced me without really glancing at me. As he sat down, for the first time he looked at me. He stopped talking and just looked, causing everyone too. He smiled at me and then picked up where he stopped. As they were leaving, everyone said bye and promised to hang out again. This friend stopped and came up to me, looked at me for a second and just gave me a huge hug. He told me that I looked happy, that he missed hanging out and that he would stop by again the following week when he was in town.
As everyone finally left I sat back down and started thinking. Thinking about everything that has happened in just the last couple months. I thought about how they acted and how they visibly reacted. I realized I have missed out on time with them. They know I don't like to be touched but they hugged me, hesitant at first because they knew this but they did anyway. I didn't flinch away. I hugged back. Part of me didn't want to let go. They are happier now. They have changed as well. Some of the guys have girlfriends now, which made me smile knowing they are happy. A large part of me realized though, they are happier without me and even though we've missed the old times and each other, we probably won't hang out for awhile. Our lives have taken different paths.
I wish I could say I am happier without them but I can't. Yes, I am happier than I was those months ago but I am happier because I have changed and worked hard to. I thought it was all for the better, they think the change is completely for the better. In reality though, I said my goodbyes to them before surgery in February, I said goodbye to some pieces of me along with them. The change is better because I am no longer close to them as I once was, this is better so I can't hurt them. It is better because even thought I am alone, they are happy. I didn't just leave pieces of myself with them, they left pieces of themselves with me. I love those memories. Those are the ones I seem to forget so easily.
The friend who said I would see him the following week, I did see two days ago. He kept his promise to me.
------------------------------------------------
I haven't said a memory in awhile so here is a good one.
Memory:
Hanging out at a good friend's house with a few other friends. We talked, listened to music and joked around for hours. Later after the majority of them left, 4 of us decided to just hang out and play Xbox. While my best friend and another friend were playing Call of Duty, I was joking around with another friend that I could win a wrestling contest against him because he would never hurt me. He took this challenge and we started wrestling (well what we call wrestling...more like making the other person fall from a standing stance). He came up and tickled me, which was against the rules since we are both extremely ticklish, I immediately fell and he declared he won. I finally collected myself enough to focus on getting him to fall. I went straight for his knees and he went down laughing.
-------------------------------
- This is the night after I had gotten in a fight with my mom, a bad fight. I went to the friend's house because I needed a laugh and thought maybe it would be a small escape from reality. Instead I found a wonderful escape full of laughter and the time of my life. That entire night I had forgotten all about my mom, my family, and every other issue I had going on. Sitting here remembering it causes me to smile. Plus we used this as a private joke between the four of us. That friend who I was wrestling with was the same friend who said bye after everyone else. That friend still occasionally texts me "I so won that night, you cheated"...
Stupid body
Losing my hair again. I thought it slowed down.
Tonight as I was sitting with my brother and grandma, my grandma looked at me and her eyes filled with tears.
Without even knowing it, I made my grandma cry.
She told me that it was sad my hair is so thin. My hair used to be so thick you couldn't even seen my scalp at all. She said that I am pale again as well.
My body is wasting away it seems like these days.
I was told the other day that I had less than 4 years before my vision is gone. My optic nerve is to damaged to even swell (which it isn't suppose to on a normal person but mine should be because of my pseudotumor).
My heart is beating irregularly lately. Sometimes the pain gets so bad I start to cry. I have surgery in 2 weeks and I am wondering if my heart will be strong enough to make it through.
I am starting to wonder if I really want to fight to keep it beating, would it honestly be so bad if it just stopped? No more pain, no more hurt, no more anything....
Tonight as I was sitting with my brother and grandma, my grandma looked at me and her eyes filled with tears.
Without even knowing it, I made my grandma cry.
She told me that it was sad my hair is so thin. My hair used to be so thick you couldn't even seen my scalp at all. She said that I am pale again as well.
My body is wasting away it seems like these days.
I was told the other day that I had less than 4 years before my vision is gone. My optic nerve is to damaged to even swell (which it isn't suppose to on a normal person but mine should be because of my pseudotumor).
My heart is beating irregularly lately. Sometimes the pain gets so bad I start to cry. I have surgery in 2 weeks and I am wondering if my heart will be strong enough to make it through.
I am starting to wonder if I really want to fight to keep it beating, would it honestly be so bad if it just stopped? No more pain, no more hurt, no more anything....
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
update
I haven't posted for awhile so here is an update:
my life recently
- Spent a week away from home, went to Ohio with a close friend and met 2 other good friends in Ohio. I had the time of my life away from reality for a little while.
- Kicked out of my house then told I could come back.
- Ended 15yr friendship with best friend.
- My father called after not talking to me for months.
- My ex, first love, who I said goodbye to and let go of months ago, decided the other night that it was the perfect night to yell at me and say everything he could to hurt me. I just avoided him and went to bed. But it hurt, so much.
- Found out through a text message that an old friend died last week. His funeral was Monday and found out Tuesday.
- Received a letter from my dream school saying I still have a spot open. The school is hard to get into and I was accept last year, I passed it up. This is the second letter I have received in a month. Perfect timing...
my life recently
- Spent a week away from home, went to Ohio with a close friend and met 2 other good friends in Ohio. I had the time of my life away from reality for a little while.
- Kicked out of my house then told I could come back.
- Ended 15yr friendship with best friend.
- My father called after not talking to me for months.
- My ex, first love, who I said goodbye to and let go of months ago, decided the other night that it was the perfect night to yell at me and say everything he could to hurt me. I just avoided him and went to bed. But it hurt, so much.
- Found out through a text message that an old friend died last week. His funeral was Monday and found out Tuesday.
- Received a letter from my dream school saying I still have a spot open. The school is hard to get into and I was accept last year, I passed it up. This is the second letter I have received in a month. Perfect timing...
Monday, May 10, 2010
something happy
Things have been bad again and I need to smile so I have been trying to remember this one happy memory of my brother and me.
Memory:
It was around 4am and I was just falling asleep. Out of no where my bedroom door opens and my light turns on.
My brother was just getting home from a date. He was smiling so big.
He looks at me and says "Get up sissy, I want milk and cookies."
"Go away, go to sleep, it is 4 o'clock in the morning. People sleep at this time."
He walks over and starts shaking me lightly
"Sisssssssy get up. I want milk and cookies!"
"No"
"Then I will sit in here all night talking about milk and cookies"
"Fine"
He gets up and tells me to come on.
He walks out to the kitchen and as I put my glasses on and get up I walk out to the kitchen.
He is sitting at the kitchen table eating milk and cookies smiling at me.
I ask if he got me any and he laughs and says "nope"
We sit and talk for an hour about everything.
Laughing with each other.
We go off to bed and at 6 I get up and walk into his room.
"Bubby get up. I want milk and cookies"
He rolls over and looks at me. Flips me off and rolls back over.
I turn off the light laughing and go to bed.
-------------------------------------------------
My brother is one of the few people who can get me truly laughing.
He holds onto his immaturity and innocence. I would not have it any other way.
I gave up my own dreams so he could hold onto those two things, as long as he could.
I am proud of him and the man he is becoming.
If I never do anything right in this life, I know I did the right thing staying here and watching out for him.
I love him to death.
Memory:
It was around 4am and I was just falling asleep. Out of no where my bedroom door opens and my light turns on.
My brother was just getting home from a date. He was smiling so big.
He looks at me and says "Get up sissy, I want milk and cookies."
"Go away, go to sleep, it is 4 o'clock in the morning. People sleep at this time."
He walks over and starts shaking me lightly
"Sisssssssy get up. I want milk and cookies!"
"No"
"Then I will sit in here all night talking about milk and cookies"
"Fine"
He gets up and tells me to come on.
He walks out to the kitchen and as I put my glasses on and get up I walk out to the kitchen.
He is sitting at the kitchen table eating milk and cookies smiling at me.
I ask if he got me any and he laughs and says "nope"
We sit and talk for an hour about everything.
Laughing with each other.
We go off to bed and at 6 I get up and walk into his room.
"Bubby get up. I want milk and cookies"
He rolls over and looks at me. Flips me off and rolls back over.
I turn off the light laughing and go to bed.
-------------------------------------------------
My brother is one of the few people who can get me truly laughing.
He holds onto his immaturity and innocence. I would not have it any other way.
I gave up my own dreams so he could hold onto those two things, as long as he could.
I am proud of him and the man he is becoming.
If I never do anything right in this life, I know I did the right thing staying here and watching out for him.
I love him to death.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Time to let go.
Tonight I am letting go. It is time to let go of somethings.
I am letting go of 3 people.
It is time.
I should have let them go along time ago.
Person one: my first love.
He was great and what we had was amazing but its over. Its done. He will always be a part of me because of memories but that is where he will stay.
Person two: "fuck up"
He too will be a part of me. He showed me how I don't deserve to be treated. He showed me everything I never want again. I don't regret him, I have learned a lot from that experience.
Person three: A.
He reminded me that the feeling of safety is only temporary. We are safe at times but we are vulnerable so many other times. He came in one night and destroyed that safety. He never had to face what he did to me but he can live with that. I am done letting him rule my life.
I am letting go of 3 people.
It is time.
I should have let them go along time ago.
Person one: my first love.
He was great and what we had was amazing but its over. Its done. He will always be a part of me because of memories but that is where he will stay.
Person two: "fuck up"
He too will be a part of me. He showed me how I don't deserve to be treated. He showed me everything I never want again. I don't regret him, I have learned a lot from that experience.
Person three: A.
He reminded me that the feeling of safety is only temporary. We are safe at times but we are vulnerable so many other times. He came in one night and destroyed that safety. He never had to face what he did to me but he can live with that. I am done letting him rule my life.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
end of pain but where's a new beginning?
It seems like everything is going down hill lately. I was so happy the past couple weeks. I didn't let things get to me and then I went to the doctor friday. I wasn't given a death sentence, but still bad news. It wasn't the worst news I have received from doctors but I feel like it was a smack in the face. A smack so hard I still feel and will feel for days and weeks.
Yesterday I decided I was going to try to get my mind off things and hang out with friends I havent seen in almost a year. I found out that not only is one of my close friends moving in May but now another one is for sure moving this summer and another friend might be moving. I understand that everyone and everything has to change, it is a part of life. Its just that I never thought it would happen together. I am trying to be happy. They are moving on in their lives. They are my friends, I am suppose to be happy.
Last night I laid in bed trying to think but every thought I had been trying to suppress, came back into my mind. I laid awake for hours just staring up at my ceiling and thinking.
What did I do so wrong in life that my body hates me? It is getting worse with time and I am 18. I have "extremely uncommon" health issues according to doctors. Individually they are not so uncommon but to be together at the same time in one person is rare.
Why is it that no matter how much I want to be happy and I have been happy lately, that it can not last? Why is my life the way it is?
A poem I wrote awhile ago seems appropriate right now:
Ever walked a mile in my shoes?
Do you have an idea of hurt?
If so, you should have felt something.
I didn’t know I’d still be here,
with the world collapsing all around me.
I hadn’t thought to see tomorrow,
to lay beneath the earth,
feeling everything,
looking back on the memories,
held behind this pressure,
the end of pain---
terrified, no doubt, yet still surrounded by you.
tears, of course, love, chance!
in this new beginning at last.
Yesterday I decided I was going to try to get my mind off things and hang out with friends I havent seen in almost a year. I found out that not only is one of my close friends moving in May but now another one is for sure moving this summer and another friend might be moving. I understand that everyone and everything has to change, it is a part of life. Its just that I never thought it would happen together. I am trying to be happy. They are moving on in their lives. They are my friends, I am suppose to be happy.
Last night I laid in bed trying to think but every thought I had been trying to suppress, came back into my mind. I laid awake for hours just staring up at my ceiling and thinking.
What did I do so wrong in life that my body hates me? It is getting worse with time and I am 18. I have "extremely uncommon" health issues according to doctors. Individually they are not so uncommon but to be together at the same time in one person is rare.
Why is it that no matter how much I want to be happy and I have been happy lately, that it can not last? Why is my life the way it is?
A poem I wrote awhile ago seems appropriate right now:
Ever walked a mile in my shoes?
Do you have an idea of hurt?
If so, you should have felt something.
I didn’t know I’d still be here,
with the world collapsing all around me.
I hadn’t thought to see tomorrow,
to lay beneath the earth,
feeling everything,
looking back on the memories,
held behind this pressure,
the end of pain---
terrified, no doubt, yet still surrounded by you.
tears, of course, love, chance!
in this new beginning at last.
Monday, April 19, 2010
why
Why is it I suck at keeping this updated? Idk.
Lately I have been happy. Its so strange for me. I wish it wasnt so difficult to accept. I am happy. Smiling for no reason throughout the day. Remembering the good times when things get bad. I am reconnecting with friends and in May I am going on a trip to see great friends. I am excited but nervous. I am changing, so much. I dont know why but its not really a bad thing. I am opening up to people and enjoying time. Although I still feel alone the majority of the time, I know I'm not.
I would never allow myself to think about the future because I wasn't suppose to have one, I was so caught up in the past I watched as my todays became yesterdays. I started slowing down. Taking time. Thinking about everything.
-------------------------------------------------
Memory:
Crying all day.
Just wanting the day to be over already.
Getting into my car and opening my phone.
Reading: "I'd be lying if I told you, losing you was something I could handle."
-------------------------------------------------
-My best guy friend sent me this. He and I hadn't talked in weeks and he just sent this out of the blue. I asked him why and he said he had a feeling that I needed to know that. It's lyrics to Candle (sick and tired) by The White Tie Affair.
He saved me that day. He has never known what it meant to me that day. I am thankful for him.
Lately I have been happy. Its so strange for me. I wish it wasnt so difficult to accept. I am happy. Smiling for no reason throughout the day. Remembering the good times when things get bad. I am reconnecting with friends and in May I am going on a trip to see great friends. I am excited but nervous. I am changing, so much. I dont know why but its not really a bad thing. I am opening up to people and enjoying time. Although I still feel alone the majority of the time, I know I'm not.
I would never allow myself to think about the future because I wasn't suppose to have one, I was so caught up in the past I watched as my todays became yesterdays. I started slowing down. Taking time. Thinking about everything.
-------------------------------------------------
Memory:
Crying all day.
Just wanting the day to be over already.
Getting into my car and opening my phone.
Reading: "I'd be lying if I told you, losing you was something I could handle."
-------------------------------------------------
-My best guy friend sent me this. He and I hadn't talked in weeks and he just sent this out of the blue. I asked him why and he said he had a feeling that I needed to know that. It's lyrics to Candle (sick and tired) by The White Tie Affair.
He saved me that day. He has never known what it meant to me that day. I am thankful for him.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Surgery
Friday I finally got the surgery that could save my life. I made it through and I am home but now I am waiting to get better. I know it will not happen on its own and I will work hard to get better. I am almost happy I think. For the first time in a while I have hope. Real hope that maybe tomorrow will be better than today.
I didn't realize what I had until I had the danger of losing it. I have found that I have amazing friends who care about me. Sadly, the majority of them live hundreds of miles away. That does not change what they mean to me or how they have kept me alive. I dont know what I would do without them. I dont want to ever know that. They are completely amazing and wonderful. They showed me that it is possible for someone to care about me.
I dont know why I am writing this. I guess I just haven't posted anything in awhile. Thought maybe it was time to post some positive.
After the "recovery" period I guess I am starting a new life. I am excited. I hope I do well.
I didn't realize what I had until I had the danger of losing it. I have found that I have amazing friends who care about me. Sadly, the majority of them live hundreds of miles away. That does not change what they mean to me or how they have kept me alive. I dont know what I would do without them. I dont want to ever know that. They are completely amazing and wonderful. They showed me that it is possible for someone to care about me.
I dont know why I am writing this. I guess I just haven't posted anything in awhile. Thought maybe it was time to post some positive.
After the "recovery" period I guess I am starting a new life. I am excited. I hope I do well.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
A New Year
Its been one hell of a new year so far...
I've been having spasms more which leaves me weak and tired alot.
Everyone just thinks I sleep alot.
Doctors suck... enough said.
January 1, the first official day of 2010.
I was thrown back to the past.
To my 5 year old self.
Watching her world fall apart and not knowing who to trust.
Not knowing when she would be okay, if she would ever be ok.
Christmas was ok.
I had a good time.
A friend sent me some books, probably the best gift but there was thought put into it.
At christmas, people get so worked up over what to get everyone that not a lot of people actually think, really think, about what they are getting someone. Usually we see something and say "so and so would like this" but that is all.
------------------
Memory:
Forcing myself to stay up just a little bit longer. Wanting to see what happens at midnight. Wondering why 12:00 means so much in determining a whole new year...Watchin tv with my grandma, brother and sister.
Counting down:
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
Nothing happens.
I dont feel any different.
Will things get better this year?
Deciding not to care.
Running into my grandparent's room and waking up my grandpa.
"Grandpa, its a new year. what happens now?"
He just smiles, gives me a hug and kiss.
"a new year means things change, Lou Lou Bella"
-----------------------------
-After that I just sigh because things had rarely ever changed for the better. But a little hope creeps in, my grandpa wouldnt lie to me. Obviously it was New Years Eve and the tradition we had was that I always got to go wake up my grandpa to wish him a happy new year. Something so small. I remember this one year the best because I never really saw the importance of New Years Ever, just another night. This one year my grandpa told me what it meant, well a meaning that would satisfy a little girl enough so she would leave and he would go back to sleep. No matter the meaning, this has stayed with me.
Things change, for the better or for the worse. Nothing stays the same, it isnt suppose to. To grow we must change or something needs to change.
I need to change this year. Really change. I am atleast going to try.
I've been having spasms more which leaves me weak and tired alot.
Everyone just thinks I sleep alot.
Doctors suck... enough said.
January 1, the first official day of 2010.
I was thrown back to the past.
To my 5 year old self.
Watching her world fall apart and not knowing who to trust.
Not knowing when she would be okay, if she would ever be ok.
Christmas was ok.
I had a good time.
A friend sent me some books, probably the best gift but there was thought put into it.
At christmas, people get so worked up over what to get everyone that not a lot of people actually think, really think, about what they are getting someone. Usually we see something and say "so and so would like this" but that is all.
------------------
Memory:
Forcing myself to stay up just a little bit longer. Wanting to see what happens at midnight. Wondering why 12:00 means so much in determining a whole new year...Watchin tv with my grandma, brother and sister.
Counting down:
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
Nothing happens.
I dont feel any different.
Will things get better this year?
Deciding not to care.
Running into my grandparent's room and waking up my grandpa.
"Grandpa, its a new year. what happens now?"
He just smiles, gives me a hug and kiss.
"a new year means things change, Lou Lou Bella"
-----------------------------
-After that I just sigh because things had rarely ever changed for the better. But a little hope creeps in, my grandpa wouldnt lie to me. Obviously it was New Years Eve and the tradition we had was that I always got to go wake up my grandpa to wish him a happy new year. Something so small. I remember this one year the best because I never really saw the importance of New Years Ever, just another night. This one year my grandpa told me what it meant, well a meaning that would satisfy a little girl enough so she would leave and he would go back to sleep. No matter the meaning, this has stayed with me.
Things change, for the better or for the worse. Nothing stays the same, it isnt suppose to. To grow we must change or something needs to change.
I need to change this year. Really change. I am atleast going to try.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
the past
How do you forget the past?
just let it go?
I have been working hard on trying to letting the past go.
letting the past, stay in the past.
Yet I always get pulled back in.
I let my past rule my life.
I come so close to letting somethings of the past go and then it's as if the wound, I had thought had healed, is torn right open.
I know I can not really forget the past.
I know I need to let it go.
I know the past is who I am.
Sometimes I just get this feeling that I am so alone.
Even though I know that I am not.
I just feel empty, afraid and as if there is a huge hole in me.
I hate the feeling.
I would rather feel pain than this feeling.
I would rather feel anything than this feeling...
just let it go?
I have been working hard on trying to letting the past go.
letting the past, stay in the past.
Yet I always get pulled back in.
I let my past rule my life.
I come so close to letting somethings of the past go and then it's as if the wound, I had thought had healed, is torn right open.
I know I can not really forget the past.
I know I need to let it go.
I know the past is who I am.
Sometimes I just get this feeling that I am so alone.
Even though I know that I am not.
I just feel empty, afraid and as if there is a huge hole in me.
I hate the feeling.
I would rather feel pain than this feeling.
I would rather feel anything than this feeling...
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Trapped
Trapped..
trapped by reality.
why cant i move forward?
i cant go back.
i cant go forward.
im trapped. stuck.
today sucked.
-im missing almost $600 from my bank account.
-had an interview and they told me it was cancelled but failed to call me.
-the guy. the one i can never forget, decided to be an asshole to me today. for no reason.
-the head aches are coming back, when they come the spasms soon follow.
-im getting sicker.
-im having the chance i passed up, getting waved in front of my face again.
ive been doing better too.
i have wonderful frieends, yet i still feel so alone.
i dont want to be alone anymore.
im tired of the pain. hurt. suffering.
i want it to be over.
but as said before, i wont give up.
idk what to do anymore...
i want to fade away, disappear.
i will come back...i promise.
---------------------------------------------------
Memory:
i dont want to remember tonight....
trapped by reality.
why cant i move forward?
i cant go back.
i cant go forward.
im trapped. stuck.
today sucked.
-im missing almost $600 from my bank account.
-had an interview and they told me it was cancelled but failed to call me.
-the guy. the one i can never forget, decided to be an asshole to me today. for no reason.
-the head aches are coming back, when they come the spasms soon follow.
-im getting sicker.
-im having the chance i passed up, getting waved in front of my face again.
ive been doing better too.
i have wonderful frieends, yet i still feel so alone.
i dont want to be alone anymore.
im tired of the pain. hurt. suffering.
i want it to be over.
but as said before, i wont give up.
idk what to do anymore...
i want to fade away, disappear.
i will come back...i promise.
---------------------------------------------------
Memory:
i dont want to remember tonight....
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I'm done.
I'm done with fighting to live longer.
I'm done trying to beat the odds.
...I am done...
I started getting sick in October 2005.
Every since I found out I was sick.
I decided I would fight to keep living longer because it had to be worth it.
I told myself that through every doctor appointment that always brought more bad news.
I told myself, there has to be more to this life then pain, hurt, and just surviving it.
I was wrong.
How could I be so naive.
Every instinct I have ever had told me not to beleve, not to be so stupid.
I ignored it because it was negative.
Be positive. Be positive. Be positive.
Thats what they tell you when you find out bad news.
Be positive it will be ok.
4 years ago they diagnosed me.
4 years ago I started treatments for everything.
4 years ago I thought I could beat this.
3 years ago I started fading away.
3 years ago there wasnt anything left after all the meds.
3 years ago they told me I wouldnt have to take one of the pills, ever again.
Today I was happy, from being to tired.
Today someone told me I saved their life, again.
Today a doctor told me I'm starting that pill again.
God has a sense of humor I wont deny that.
--------------------
Memory:
Looking at the doctor, wondering why the hell I am here.
Handing her a tissue that held a ball of hair.
Hair that was collected after brushing a head of hair one time.
My hair.
The doctor telling me no more pill.
The hair will come back.
--------------------
-The day I combed my hair one time after a shower. looking at the once clean brush and seeing hair that seemed to be more in the brush than on my head.
I always had thick hair. Goregous hair.
I used to love my hair.
After that day I started wearing in down. If it was up there seemed to only be thinning spots.
My hair has been starting to get thicker again, little under 3 years later.
Not anymore. Now starts the process of losing it again. The doctors wont stop the pill this time....
I'm done trying to beat the odds.
...I am done...
I started getting sick in October 2005.
Every since I found out I was sick.
I decided I would fight to keep living longer because it had to be worth it.
I told myself that through every doctor appointment that always brought more bad news.
I told myself, there has to be more to this life then pain, hurt, and just surviving it.
I was wrong.
How could I be so naive.
Every instinct I have ever had told me not to beleve, not to be so stupid.
I ignored it because it was negative.
Be positive. Be positive. Be positive.
Thats what they tell you when you find out bad news.
Be positive it will be ok.
4 years ago they diagnosed me.
4 years ago I started treatments for everything.
4 years ago I thought I could beat this.
3 years ago I started fading away.
3 years ago there wasnt anything left after all the meds.
3 years ago they told me I wouldnt have to take one of the pills, ever again.
Today I was happy, from being to tired.
Today someone told me I saved their life, again.
Today a doctor told me I'm starting that pill again.
God has a sense of humor I wont deny that.
--------------------
Memory:
Looking at the doctor, wondering why the hell I am here.
Handing her a tissue that held a ball of hair.
Hair that was collected after brushing a head of hair one time.
My hair.
The doctor telling me no more pill.
The hair will come back.
--------------------
-The day I combed my hair one time after a shower. looking at the once clean brush and seeing hair that seemed to be more in the brush than on my head.
I always had thick hair. Goregous hair.
I used to love my hair.
After that day I started wearing in down. If it was up there seemed to only be thinning spots.
My hair has been starting to get thicker again, little under 3 years later.
Not anymore. Now starts the process of losing it again. The doctors wont stop the pill this time....
Sunday, October 18, 2009
regret
It is 3:48 am and I am still awake..yay!! I was going to sign off and go read but then I started readin through every post i made. I whine alot. haha.
I noticed I mever said something that is important to me. Maybe important to others. Not many people will say it but I will and I mean it: I do not regret anything I have done, although I regret the things I didnt do when I should have/had the chance to.
Marilyn Monroe said "Never regret anything because at one point it was exactly what you wanted." I think that is true. Well as far as things I have done. I have not always made the best choices and if i could go back i would but I do not regret them.
I didnt have a say in most things growing up. I just did what I had to do. That is life. We make decisions and we deal with the consequences. Denying or ignoring what we do, is childish. We make our beds and we have to sleep in them.
The last post I said I was going to start hoping...I dont know what the hell I was thinking.
In a way maybe I have. I hope my brother will be ok but I dont have the faith he will be. He doesnt know any of this. He doesnt know he has to go to the doctor about his recovery. He was so little when it happened. The little butthead made me cry the whole time when he was in the hospital... They said he was brain dead, he woke out of a coma. They said he would be lucky to be out of the hospital in 6 months, he was out in 3. They said he would be a vegetable, he is a star football player. They said he wouldnt remember anything before the accident, he doesnt. He proved them wrong in the worst situations but they were right about one thing. He doesnt remember much before the accident. Which, sadly, is a good thing. He doesnt remember the bad things our mother did. He just remembers our grandfather and trips to the farm.
I hope he will be ok. I hope he will be ok. I hope he will be ok....
Things happen in 3s. So I'll say it three times.
This post is random and unexpected even from me. Lately I have so much on my mind. Surprisingly I am doing well in school. So one thing I dont have to worry about.
----------------------------
Memory:
Hanging out with my best friend.
A night in spring.
Getting a phone call from my mother at the hospital.
A drunk/high driver hit the car.
All impact went to my brother.
He looked dead.
----------------------------
- It was an April night. My mother, sister and brother went to see a movie and as they entered the town, someone idiot hit the passenger's side of the van. my sister in the passenger seat, only had a mark from the seat belt. all the impact hit my brother in the back of the van. He was flown out of the hospital to a bigger and better one in the city. He was in a coma for almost 2 weeks. The driver got 3 tickets: no seatbelt, crossing the yellow line, speeding. they didnt test him for drugs or alcohol because he said he hated needles but he reeked of booze and pot. The cops said had my brother been wearing a seatbelt, he would be dead. when the vechile hit, my brother was thrown into the other seat, it saved his life.
I dont wear my seat belt because it would have killed my brother and a couple of my friends have died because they were wearing their's. i get a lot of tickets too. the cop finally gave up and called me stubborn.... gotta love small town cops.
I noticed I mever said something that is important to me. Maybe important to others. Not many people will say it but I will and I mean it: I do not regret anything I have done, although I regret the things I didnt do when I should have/had the chance to.
Marilyn Monroe said "Never regret anything because at one point it was exactly what you wanted." I think that is true. Well as far as things I have done. I have not always made the best choices and if i could go back i would but I do not regret them.
I didnt have a say in most things growing up. I just did what I had to do. That is life. We make decisions and we deal with the consequences. Denying or ignoring what we do, is childish. We make our beds and we have to sleep in them.
The last post I said I was going to start hoping...I dont know what the hell I was thinking.
In a way maybe I have. I hope my brother will be ok but I dont have the faith he will be. He doesnt know any of this. He doesnt know he has to go to the doctor about his recovery. He was so little when it happened. The little butthead made me cry the whole time when he was in the hospital... They said he was brain dead, he woke out of a coma. They said he would be lucky to be out of the hospital in 6 months, he was out in 3. They said he would be a vegetable, he is a star football player. They said he wouldnt remember anything before the accident, he doesnt. He proved them wrong in the worst situations but they were right about one thing. He doesnt remember much before the accident. Which, sadly, is a good thing. He doesnt remember the bad things our mother did. He just remembers our grandfather and trips to the farm.
I hope he will be ok. I hope he will be ok. I hope he will be ok....
Things happen in 3s. So I'll say it three times.
This post is random and unexpected even from me. Lately I have so much on my mind. Surprisingly I am doing well in school. So one thing I dont have to worry about.
----------------------------
Memory:
Hanging out with my best friend.
A night in spring.
Getting a phone call from my mother at the hospital.
A drunk/high driver hit the car.
All impact went to my brother.
He looked dead.
----------------------------
- It was an April night. My mother, sister and brother went to see a movie and as they entered the town, someone idiot hit the passenger's side of the van. my sister in the passenger seat, only had a mark from the seat belt. all the impact hit my brother in the back of the van. He was flown out of the hospital to a bigger and better one in the city. He was in a coma for almost 2 weeks. The driver got 3 tickets: no seatbelt, crossing the yellow line, speeding. they didnt test him for drugs or alcohol because he said he hated needles but he reeked of booze and pot. The cops said had my brother been wearing a seatbelt, he would be dead. when the vechile hit, my brother was thrown into the other seat, it saved his life.
I dont wear my seat belt because it would have killed my brother and a couple of my friends have died because they were wearing their's. i get a lot of tickets too. the cop finally gave up and called me stubborn.... gotta love small town cops.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Surviving isn't living
Have you ever thought about why God would let something bad happen to you? Im not a religious person anymore. I fell away from my own faith a long time ago. I never stopped beleving in him. (i know beleve is misspelled. "the best part about believe is the LIE"). I learned a long time ago that hoping would never get me anywhere. So I realized that I needed to stop hoping to live my life and just survive the moment. I didnt have anything to hope for. I didnt have childhood dreams. I had childhood reality. one that was not pretty. Hope in the middle of diaster felt like a false promise. A promise that only sounded good but it would never be possible, it was completely empty. I learned that dreaming of a better life was useless and all i could do was survive the moment and then the moment after that. all i had were moments and i gave up on the little bit of light i had left of my childhood.
Now I am sitting here thinking, when did the happiness turn into pain, when did all feelings fade leaving only numbness? but i cant remember. i remember looking at my grandfather and laughing, smiling and playing but i dont remember how it felt. i remember it only last a year or two. it seems like that is when a small flicker of that light came on and then it disappeared again. the next couple of years got worse and then i started to get sick. that was five years ago. the first couple of months of being sick, no one beleved me. they thought i wanted attention. in reality i wasnt even telling them how bad it was. ive been sick ever since. they now have me diagnosed with multiple things. i take 9 pills everyday. spinal taps every couple months and now it looks like surgery once a year.
I used to pray everynight before bed. I was taught that everytime i heard an ambulance, to pray. i prayed a couple times a day. but i was always praying for someone else. always praying that someone would be ok. that someone's day could be better. i never prayed for myself. i thought it was pointless. God gave me life and it was up to me to live it and i had brought on everything that was happening to me. So instead of praying for myself, i prayed for everyone else. I still do pray for everyone else. i thought i stopped but im so used to it, i pray for them without really noticing it. it sounds weird. i never thought about praying, it was what i was taught and it was an automatic instinct in me. if i saw someone limping, i'd say to myself "please let them be ok". small prayers never really intention. a couple months ago, i had given up on myself and was about to just kill myself. i stopped and thought about everything i'd ever done and it was all about surviving that moment, that day yet here i was just throwing it away...it didnt sound logical.
I'm not going to tell you that at that moment i decided to be positive and i have never thought of suicide again. because that is the biggest lie. I think about suicide everyday. I think about how i really have no reason to live. i have even thought out the plans for suicide. the thing is though, i havent done it. i havent even attempted it. i'd like to say it is because people care but thats not it. people care because we have hearts. we see a sad movie, we care. its natural to care. i am depressed, and i have to force myself to go out with friends. to try to be happy. TRY. that seems wrong. I havent commited or attempted suicide because I have faith that someday I will be happy. Someday I will be able to wake up and smile because I am alive. maybe its that little bit of light coming around. I have faith that God didnt put me here to suffer. I would suffer for everyone if i could. if it were possible i would suffer a thousand times more if it meant no one else would.
I have survived life up until now. but surviving life isnt living life. Hope is living. Dreaming is living. I want to live. I dont want to just survive. I wear a mask that shows people everything is ok. no one sees whats beneath. i will continue to wear this mask until it becomes the truth. it will become the truth by starting to hope.
Tonight i will start to hope. Tonight I will hope that the people I know, know that they are loved and that the people i dont know, know that we were born to be happy.
--------------------------------------
Memory:
Looking out onto the ocean, watching the sun set.
wishing i could stay there forever.
Wanting to curl in a ball and just sleep there and live there.
Realizing that I was watching the most beautiful thing.
---------------
--Two years ago when I went to Australia as a student ambassador.
I was sitting on Moreton Island at Tangalooma. I remember that night so often and it fills me with peace. My heart aches to be happy like I was then.
I was in Australia for three weeks. I was happy the entire time. The sadness and pain didnt reach me there. It all came back once I stepped off the plane.
Now I am sitting here thinking, when did the happiness turn into pain, when did all feelings fade leaving only numbness? but i cant remember. i remember looking at my grandfather and laughing, smiling and playing but i dont remember how it felt. i remember it only last a year or two. it seems like that is when a small flicker of that light came on and then it disappeared again. the next couple of years got worse and then i started to get sick. that was five years ago. the first couple of months of being sick, no one beleved me. they thought i wanted attention. in reality i wasnt even telling them how bad it was. ive been sick ever since. they now have me diagnosed with multiple things. i take 9 pills everyday. spinal taps every couple months and now it looks like surgery once a year.
I used to pray everynight before bed. I was taught that everytime i heard an ambulance, to pray. i prayed a couple times a day. but i was always praying for someone else. always praying that someone would be ok. that someone's day could be better. i never prayed for myself. i thought it was pointless. God gave me life and it was up to me to live it and i had brought on everything that was happening to me. So instead of praying for myself, i prayed for everyone else. I still do pray for everyone else. i thought i stopped but im so used to it, i pray for them without really noticing it. it sounds weird. i never thought about praying, it was what i was taught and it was an automatic instinct in me. if i saw someone limping, i'd say to myself "please let them be ok". small prayers never really intention. a couple months ago, i had given up on myself and was about to just kill myself. i stopped and thought about everything i'd ever done and it was all about surviving that moment, that day yet here i was just throwing it away...it didnt sound logical.
I'm not going to tell you that at that moment i decided to be positive and i have never thought of suicide again. because that is the biggest lie. I think about suicide everyday. I think about how i really have no reason to live. i have even thought out the plans for suicide. the thing is though, i havent done it. i havent even attempted it. i'd like to say it is because people care but thats not it. people care because we have hearts. we see a sad movie, we care. its natural to care. i am depressed, and i have to force myself to go out with friends. to try to be happy. TRY. that seems wrong. I havent commited or attempted suicide because I have faith that someday I will be happy. Someday I will be able to wake up and smile because I am alive. maybe its that little bit of light coming around. I have faith that God didnt put me here to suffer. I would suffer for everyone if i could. if it were possible i would suffer a thousand times more if it meant no one else would.
I have survived life up until now. but surviving life isnt living life. Hope is living. Dreaming is living. I want to live. I dont want to just survive. I wear a mask that shows people everything is ok. no one sees whats beneath. i will continue to wear this mask until it becomes the truth. it will become the truth by starting to hope.
Tonight i will start to hope. Tonight I will hope that the people I know, know that they are loved and that the people i dont know, know that we were born to be happy.
--------------------------------------
Memory:
Looking out onto the ocean, watching the sun set.
wishing i could stay there forever.
Wanting to curl in a ball and just sleep there and live there.
Realizing that I was watching the most beautiful thing.
---------------
--Two years ago when I went to Australia as a student ambassador.
I was sitting on Moreton Island at Tangalooma. I remember that night so often and it fills me with peace. My heart aches to be happy like I was then.
I was in Australia for three weeks. I was happy the entire time. The sadness and pain didnt reach me there. It all came back once I stepped off the plane.
Friday, October 2, 2009
our last goodbye
I have been kinda neglecting posting here and I feel guilty about it. Things have been really busy lately and a lot has changed, but that isnt an excuse.
I just cant seem to ok anymore. I tell people I'm ok, I dont know if I'm lying but as soon as I say it I question myself. I guess if i tell people i'm ok and hear it enough i think maybe i am ok. Im not only lying to them, i am lying to myself. i just hurt so much, half the time i dont even know why, and why should i bring someone's mood down because im not ok. its easier to just put on an act. I seem ok, i seem happy and i fool everyone. I dont think anyone really reads this anymore, assuming anyone has ever followed it. So I guess its ok to just say it: I AM NOT OK!
God, right now I just want to cry. cry until i have nothing left. but i cant. i have things to do and life goes on, right? what happens to me and me breaking apart, doesnt effect anyone else. So i have to put on a brave face and do what i can... pick up and move on.
----------------------------
I guess i came on here to say what i can not to anyone else. I think thats why i have posted here, because whether people look and see what i write or they dont. either way i dont know. there is no judging, critism and no fear of saying what i need to. if people dont like they can just click somewhere, this was never intended for a specific person to read so no harm done?
----------------------------
Today i came on here write about the last goodbye i had with someone. yet i have managed to ramble through so far. so here it goes, what i came here to say:
I have wrote about him before on here, one of my first couple posts i think. the one i fell in love with. my first love...i still love him but i cant be in love with him anymore, it hurts to much. time to move on. start fresh. love like ive never been hurt...yeah,right...
the last couple days have been miserable. we have been arguing and talking in a circle, all leading to one thing: our last goodbye. neither of us could go with unspoken words. we said hurtful things and heard every one of those words. he said what he had to say. i said what i had to say. yet it doesnt seem like it was enough. today we finally gave up the fight of holding on to whatever it is we had. Goodbye memories. Goodbye whispered "i love you"s. goodbye pure joy and happiness. goodbye for good. i never thought i would say goodbye to so many things at one time, but when i said goodbye to him it was goodbye to everything. i no longer have that person who i can have a good conversation with, the one i would stay up late just talking to, the person who knew all my secrets and everything in my past, goodbye to the person who loved me for me and loved me with all the mistakes, imperfections, and flaws.
I want to cry and just ask why it had to happen. when did the laughs fade? when did the love start to burn out? when did the talks become small talk? why didnt i take the chance? why the hell am i so damn afraid, of what, life? why did i push him away when he was the one who was always there? why didnt he just the one word i long to hear, stay.
----------------------------------
memory:
the day my heart gave up the fight to keep beating...today.
I just cant seem to ok anymore. I tell people I'm ok, I dont know if I'm lying but as soon as I say it I question myself. I guess if i tell people i'm ok and hear it enough i think maybe i am ok. Im not only lying to them, i am lying to myself. i just hurt so much, half the time i dont even know why, and why should i bring someone's mood down because im not ok. its easier to just put on an act. I seem ok, i seem happy and i fool everyone. I dont think anyone really reads this anymore, assuming anyone has ever followed it. So I guess its ok to just say it: I AM NOT OK!
God, right now I just want to cry. cry until i have nothing left. but i cant. i have things to do and life goes on, right? what happens to me and me breaking apart, doesnt effect anyone else. So i have to put on a brave face and do what i can... pick up and move on.
----------------------------
I guess i came on here to say what i can not to anyone else. I think thats why i have posted here, because whether people look and see what i write or they dont. either way i dont know. there is no judging, critism and no fear of saying what i need to. if people dont like they can just click somewhere, this was never intended for a specific person to read so no harm done?
----------------------------
Today i came on here write about the last goodbye i had with someone. yet i have managed to ramble through so far. so here it goes, what i came here to say:
I have wrote about him before on here, one of my first couple posts i think. the one i fell in love with. my first love...i still love him but i cant be in love with him anymore, it hurts to much. time to move on. start fresh. love like ive never been hurt...yeah,right...
the last couple days have been miserable. we have been arguing and talking in a circle, all leading to one thing: our last goodbye. neither of us could go with unspoken words. we said hurtful things and heard every one of those words. he said what he had to say. i said what i had to say. yet it doesnt seem like it was enough. today we finally gave up the fight of holding on to whatever it is we had. Goodbye memories. Goodbye whispered "i love you"s. goodbye pure joy and happiness. goodbye for good. i never thought i would say goodbye to so many things at one time, but when i said goodbye to him it was goodbye to everything. i no longer have that person who i can have a good conversation with, the one i would stay up late just talking to, the person who knew all my secrets and everything in my past, goodbye to the person who loved me for me and loved me with all the mistakes, imperfections, and flaws.
I want to cry and just ask why it had to happen. when did the laughs fade? when did the love start to burn out? when did the talks become small talk? why didnt i take the chance? why the hell am i so damn afraid, of what, life? why did i push him away when he was the one who was always there? why didnt he just the one word i long to hear, stay.
----------------------------------
memory:
the day my heart gave up the fight to keep beating...today.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Contemplative
I have never truly given up on anything important. As much as I would love to just give up and walk away from this life, I know that I wont.
"almost all suicides are spur of the moment due to the fact that your self preservantion instinct kicks in if you think about it to much"
maybe that is true. maybe thats why some suicide attempts are the last time a person thinks about suicide.
I once read a book (fiction) about 4 teens who wanted to commit suicide and they had all tried it but never succeeded. without saying much else about it, the story was told by a boy who had tried to commit suicide multiple times.
every time he tried to commit suicide his body objected. He first attempt suicide by drowning himself, he said that while he was at the bottom of the pool he even tried to breathe in the water, his body wouldnt let him. he waited at the bottom for awhile yet he still couldnt drown. Pills only knocked him out and he slept it off. He cut his wrists and he passed out and his blood clotted preventing him from bleeding out. He tried a couple other things but i cant remember them.
he had plotted each attempt and even though they werent all spur of the moment, his body's self preservation instincts kicked in.
Maybe this shows us that we are meant to live. to live a long life. no where does it say that we are suppose to be happy all the time. I dont remember what happy feels like. I know that at certain times I was happy. I remember being happy, I just dont remember what it felt like. Maybe we shouldnt give up because things are horrible, because our world is falling apart. Or whatever our reasons. I dont have anything to live for, I dont have any hope. but maybe its not time to give up. maybe we chould hold on to this life. we were given life for some reason. I constantly suffer, I dont want to go on but I wont give up because maybe my happiness will come years from now. or maybe not. but why not fight for tomorrow? live today and fight like hell for tomorrow.
idk if any of this made and sense. idk what I was trying to say.
"almost all suicides are spur of the moment due to the fact that your self preservantion instinct kicks in if you think about it to much"
maybe that is true. maybe thats why some suicide attempts are the last time a person thinks about suicide.
I once read a book (fiction) about 4 teens who wanted to commit suicide and they had all tried it but never succeeded. without saying much else about it, the story was told by a boy who had tried to commit suicide multiple times.
every time he tried to commit suicide his body objected. He first attempt suicide by drowning himself, he said that while he was at the bottom of the pool he even tried to breathe in the water, his body wouldnt let him. he waited at the bottom for awhile yet he still couldnt drown. Pills only knocked him out and he slept it off. He cut his wrists and he passed out and his blood clotted preventing him from bleeding out. He tried a couple other things but i cant remember them.
he had plotted each attempt and even though they werent all spur of the moment, his body's self preservation instincts kicked in.
Maybe this shows us that we are meant to live. to live a long life. no where does it say that we are suppose to be happy all the time. I dont remember what happy feels like. I know that at certain times I was happy. I remember being happy, I just dont remember what it felt like. Maybe we shouldnt give up because things are horrible, because our world is falling apart. Or whatever our reasons. I dont have anything to live for, I dont have any hope. but maybe its not time to give up. maybe we chould hold on to this life. we were given life for some reason. I constantly suffer, I dont want to go on but I wont give up because maybe my happiness will come years from now. or maybe not. but why not fight for tomorrow? live today and fight like hell for tomorrow.
idk if any of this made and sense. idk what I was trying to say.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sick
I'm sick again...
Tired of being sick.
It's storming pretty bad outside.
My favorite weather.
Have you ever just listened to the rain?
Just lay down by a window or stand up staring out of one, looking at the rain?
Have you ever went outside after a storm?
Seen how everything looks perfect, new?
As if the rain washed away everything bad...
The air smells the cleanest and freshest it probably ever smells.
What if the rain could do that?
just wash away everything bad, every imperfection.
Making everything perfect.
What if we opened our eyes to see the natural beauty instead of fearing it?
Maybe we would be different. Maybe we, like the earth, were wiped cleaned...
-----------------------
Memory:
It had been thundering and storming all night.
The rain was just ceasing.
It was beautiful out.
------------------------
I wrote about this memory before but I cant seem to forget it.
The night he came in my room...
I remember thinking all I wanted was for the rain to pick up again.
To wash away everything about him.
To wash me away.
It didnt rain again that night.
It didnt rain for awhile after.
Tonight it is storming out side.
Its been over a year.
Tonight maybe I can finally wash away the thought of him....
Tired of being sick.
It's storming pretty bad outside.
My favorite weather.
Have you ever just listened to the rain?
Just lay down by a window or stand up staring out of one, looking at the rain?
Have you ever went outside after a storm?
Seen how everything looks perfect, new?
As if the rain washed away everything bad...
The air smells the cleanest and freshest it probably ever smells.
What if the rain could do that?
just wash away everything bad, every imperfection.
Making everything perfect.
What if we opened our eyes to see the natural beauty instead of fearing it?
Maybe we would be different. Maybe we, like the earth, were wiped cleaned...
-----------------------
Memory:
It had been thundering and storming all night.
The rain was just ceasing.
It was beautiful out.
------------------------
I wrote about this memory before but I cant seem to forget it.
The night he came in my room...
I remember thinking all I wanted was for the rain to pick up again.
To wash away everything about him.
To wash me away.
It didnt rain again that night.
It didnt rain for awhile after.
Tonight it is storming out side.
Its been over a year.
Tonight maybe I can finally wash away the thought of him....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)