failure

Today I realized I am a failure. I'm not good at anything. I try my hardest yet I have achieved nothing. My sister hates me, my grandmother can't look at me and my brother doesn't talk to me. No one cares. There is no point to this life....

conversation

This is a conversation I had tonight with a friend of mine. This is word for word. (screen names are changed AH=friend, me=me) ...He is sometimes random as you will see.
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AH says:
hey

Me says:
hey

AH says:
omg

Me says:
wat?

AH says:
i know a girl who has a perfect family and a over all good life but is so fucked up and someone like you who has been through so much stays so posative and a great person. how does this work

Me says:
what?

AH says:
read it again but slower lol

Me says:
just didnt expect it

AH says:
well seriously
you are amazing!

Me says:
are you drunk?

AH says:
lol no not in the slightest just coming to realize things lol

Me says:
ok
well i guess thank you?

AH says:
lol the other person i am referign to is someone you know, she was one year below us

Me says:
well thank you AH
but things arent always what they appear

AH says:
well if not you do a damn good job of hiding things
!]
!*

Me says:
meaning?

AH says:
if you are sayin that things are not what they seem you are good at playing that "cool" all is good attitude
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Anyway if you have actually read the conversation then thank you and you are probably wondering the importance of this.

Lately I have had things going completely bizarre. This made me happy. Happy to know that to everyone else I seem positive. that they cant see the hurt.

Fighting

When do you stop fighting for something?

When do you say to yourself, I dont think its worth the fight?

When do you decide to give up and let go of something you have fought so long to hold on to?

Do you just wake up one morning and say "There's no point, lets move on"?

What do you do when you realize that even though you have held on so long, it hasnt made a damn bit of difference?

Giving up would be easy. Its forgetting everything that has happened that would be the hardest thing...

How do you make yourself see what everyone else does?
How do you let go of something that was once perfect and safe?
How do you tell yourself that you no longer love what you once did?

These are questions that I know I'll never know the answers to...
yet that doesnt stop me from thinking about them.

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Memory:

Laying in the hospital bed thinking "Why cant this be over?"
I felt so alone just laying there.
No one understanding what I was going through..
Hell the doctors didnt even know.
Willing to give anything/everything just to be a little more healthy.
Wishing I was someone else.
Wanting to just give up on life and say goodbye for good.
Then looking out the door and seeing the little kids so happy but knowing they are so sick.

Asking myself "Why would God let a child suffer so much and then die before they even get a chance to live?"
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The day/night I realized I would continue to go through whatever I was dealt, hoping that if I suffered, one less person would.
I would go through any pain just so no one else had to suffer. If the doctors find out what's wrong with me and what can make it better. I would do it so they didnt have to experiment on any other.

Also the day I realized that I am never going to be okay again... that Im not going to live the many years everyone should. The day I realized that fighting for extra years just weakened me and evitably took time from what is left.

Falling to pieces

I dont think I have ever had more go wrong in one week, than i did last week.
I don't think I can take much more. I have fought for so long, yet nothing seems to improve or even just stand still. Everything is falling to pieces right in front of my eyes....

How could i have let so much happen, so much go wrong?
I have worked hard to make sure we get by...but im useless.

I would give anything for things to calm down or go back to something normal...

Memory:

Cops showing up to a domestic dispute call.
I was the one who called.
Nothing stops her.
Not even slows her down.

That night there was arms wrapped around me.
I cried and cried.
Yet he still held me...through it all.
He didnt expect anything.
He just wanted to comfort me...

That night was the last night that I really saw him.
Things go wrong and of course they did with him and me.
We broke up not long after that...
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The night I knew he cared, no matter what would happen or did happen...
The following days he broke my heart and I couldnt stand him doing it again.
I knew he would. He even knew he would.
A few days later we said our goodbyes. I knew he cared about me. He still does.
We talk but now he is just a friend. I think I like being just a friend. Its better this way.

Shattered dreams...

Dreams are meant to be just dreams.

They are not meant to become reality...atleast for me.

Whenever I think I might finally reach one small dream, it slipped out from under me.

All my dreams become shattered. That's how it always plays out.

I was so close to my dream. I was actually getting excited.

that was my mistake.

What it comes down to is this: Family responiblities come first. I refuse to do what I want while i am need at home.

So this is my goodbye to chicago. the dream was almost reality. but thats when the true reality hit me hard... goodbye.

Memory:

Promising you everything will be okay.

You will never be alone.

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- the night i realized i had chosen to stay.

Realizing

Today I was in the hospital for blood work because I was literally blue.
Called different doctors.
Waited. Waited. Waited.
Came home and then went straight to the E.R.

Allergic to the dye in the shirt I was wearing.
Great!

All my sister can say is I am faking.
Faking being sick.
Faking everything.

I dont complain.
I haven't sinced I realized no one cared.

Even now all she can do is yell at me.
That is her only way of communicating to me.
No love.
No caring.
Nothing.
I am nothing to her...

Memory:
Mom is high and drunk again.
Fighting and fighting with someone.
My baby brother and i laying on the bed because we were forced to be quiet.
Last thing I see is mom doing something no one should.

My sister had jumped between my brother and I.
She covered our eyes.
So we wouldnt see the terrible things going on....
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The night I was positive she loved me.
The night she promised to always look out for me.

Tonight I realized somewhere along the way, she stopped loving me.
She broke that promise.
Never knowing I still remember it.

Broken

Broken.
Today I realized that I can't pretend I'm okay anymore.
Im not.
I accept fully that I am broken.
Completely broken.

Last night I decided that I cant take this anymore.
Options are screaming at me.
Now is my time to pick the one that is right for me.

Things are changing in my life, so I should to.

I dont think anyone can fix what has been done.

Today I stop waiting.

Memory:
Sitting at the computer looking at songs for my 8 year old cousin.
Showing pictures of Chicago.
He asked if I would take him there one day with me.
Just him and me.

I tell him Im going to be living there and he just looks at me.
The look that tells me I just broke a piece of his heart.
He is the first person to tell me something and mean it.
That something is this: I will miss you.
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The night I found myself crying because an 8 year old is the first person to tell me i will be missed.
The night I realized I had caused him pain...
The night I decided to rethink going to Chicago.