regret

It is 3:48 am and I am still awake..yay!! I was going to sign off and go read but then I started readin through every post i made. I whine alot. haha.

I noticed I mever said something that is important to me. Maybe important to others. Not many people will say it but I will and I mean it: I do not regret anything I have done, although I regret the things I didnt do when I should have/had the chance to.

Marilyn Monroe said "Never regret anything because at one point it was exactly what you wanted." I think that is true. Well as far as things I have done. I have not always made the best choices and if i could go back i would but I do not regret them.

I didnt have a say in most things growing up. I just did what I had to do. That is life. We make decisions and we deal with the consequences. Denying or ignoring what we do, is childish. We make our beds and we have to sleep in them.

The last post I said I was going to start hoping...I dont know what the hell I was thinking.
In a way maybe I have. I hope my brother will be ok but I dont have the faith he will be. He doesnt know any of this. He doesnt know he has to go to the doctor about his recovery. He was so little when it happened. The little butthead made me cry the whole time when he was in the hospital... They said he was brain dead, he woke out of a coma. They said he would be lucky to be out of the hospital in 6 months, he was out in 3. They said he would be a vegetable, he is a star football player. They said he wouldnt remember anything before the accident, he doesnt. He proved them wrong in the worst situations but they were right about one thing. He doesnt remember much before the accident. Which, sadly, is a good thing. He doesnt remember the bad things our mother did. He just remembers our grandfather and trips to the farm.

I hope he will be ok. I hope he will be ok. I hope he will be ok....
Things happen in 3s. So I'll say it three times.

This post is random and unexpected even from me. Lately I have so much on my mind. Surprisingly I am doing well in school. So one thing I dont have to worry about.
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Memory:

Hanging out with my best friend.
A night in spring.
Getting a phone call from my mother at the hospital.
A drunk/high driver hit the car.
All impact went to my brother.
He looked dead.
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- It was an April night. My mother, sister and brother went to see a movie and as they entered the town, someone idiot hit the passenger's side of the van. my sister in the passenger seat, only had a mark from the seat belt. all the impact hit my brother in the back of the van. He was flown out of the hospital to a bigger and better one in the city. He was in a coma for almost 2 weeks. The driver got 3 tickets: no seatbelt, crossing the yellow line, speeding. they didnt test him for drugs or alcohol because he said he hated needles but he reeked of booze and pot. The cops said had my brother been wearing a seatbelt, he would be dead. when the vechile hit, my brother was thrown into the other seat, it saved his life.

I dont wear my seat belt because it would have killed my brother and a couple of my friends have died because they were wearing their's. i get a lot of tickets too. the cop finally gave up and called me stubborn.... gotta love small town cops.

Surviving isn't living

Have you ever thought about why God would let something bad happen to you? Im not a religious person anymore. I fell away from my own faith a long time ago. I never stopped beleving in him. (i know beleve is misspelled. "the best part about believe is the LIE"). I learned a long time ago that hoping would never get me anywhere. So I realized that I needed to stop hoping to live my life and just survive the moment. I didnt have anything to hope for. I didnt have childhood dreams. I had childhood reality. one that was not pretty. Hope in the middle of diaster felt like a false promise. A promise that only sounded good but it would never be possible, it was completely empty. I learned that dreaming of a better life was useless and all i could do was survive the moment and then the moment after that. all i had were moments and i gave up on the little bit of light i had left of my childhood.
Now I am sitting here thinking, when did the happiness turn into pain, when did all feelings fade leaving only numbness? but i cant remember. i remember looking at my grandfather and laughing, smiling and playing but i dont remember how it felt. i remember it only last a year or two. it seems like that is when a small flicker of that light came on and then it disappeared again. the next couple of years got worse and then i started to get sick. that was five years ago. the first couple of months of being sick, no one beleved me. they thought i wanted attention. in reality i wasnt even telling them how bad it was. ive been sick ever since. they now have me diagnosed with multiple things. i take 9 pills everyday. spinal taps every couple months and now it looks like surgery once a year.
I used to pray everynight before bed. I was taught that everytime i heard an ambulance, to pray. i prayed a couple times a day. but i was always praying for someone else. always praying that someone would be ok. that someone's day could be better. i never prayed for myself. i thought it was pointless. God gave me life and it was up to me to live it and i had brought on everything that was happening to me. So instead of praying for myself, i prayed for everyone else. I still do pray for everyone else. i thought i stopped but im so used to it, i pray for them without really noticing it. it sounds weird. i never thought about praying, it was what i was taught and it was an automatic instinct in me. if i saw someone limping, i'd say to myself "please let them be ok". small prayers never really intention. a couple months ago, i had given up on myself and was about to just kill myself. i stopped and thought about everything i'd ever done and it was all about surviving that moment, that day yet here i was just throwing it away...it didnt sound logical.
I'm not going to tell you that at that moment i decided to be positive and i have never thought of suicide again. because that is the biggest lie. I think about suicide everyday. I think about how i really have no reason to live. i have even thought out the plans for suicide. the thing is though, i havent done it. i havent even attempted it. i'd like to say it is because people care but thats not it. people care because we have hearts. we see a sad movie, we care. its natural to care. i am depressed, and i have to force myself to go out with friends. to try to be happy. TRY. that seems wrong. I havent commited or attempted suicide because I have faith that someday I will be happy. Someday I will be able to wake up and smile because I am alive. maybe its that little bit of light coming around. I have faith that God didnt put me here to suffer. I would suffer for everyone if i could. if it were possible i would suffer a thousand times more if it meant no one else would.
I have survived life up until now. but surviving life isnt living life. Hope is living. Dreaming is living. I want to live. I dont want to just survive. I wear a mask that shows people everything is ok. no one sees whats beneath. i will continue to wear this mask until it becomes the truth. it will become the truth by starting to hope.

Tonight i will start to hope. Tonight I will hope that the people I know, know that they are loved and that the people i dont know, know that we were born to be happy.
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Memory:

Looking out onto the ocean, watching the sun set.
wishing i could stay there forever.
Wanting to curl in a ball and just sleep there and live there.
Realizing that I was watching the most beautiful thing.
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--Two years ago when I went to Australia as a student ambassador.
I was sitting on Moreton Island at Tangalooma. I remember that night so often and it fills me with peace. My heart aches to be happy like I was then.
I was in Australia for three weeks. I was happy the entire time. The sadness and pain didnt reach me there. It all came back once I stepped off the plane.

our last goodbye

I have been kinda neglecting posting here and I feel guilty about it. Things have been really busy lately and a lot has changed, but that isnt an excuse.

I just cant seem to ok anymore. I tell people I'm ok, I dont know if I'm lying but as soon as I say it I question myself. I guess if i tell people i'm ok and hear it enough i think maybe i am ok. Im not only lying to them, i am lying to myself. i just hurt so much, half the time i dont even know why, and why should i bring someone's mood down because im not ok. its easier to just put on an act. I seem ok, i seem happy and i fool everyone. I dont think anyone really reads this anymore, assuming anyone has ever followed it. So I guess its ok to just say it: I AM NOT OK!

God, right now I just want to cry. cry until i have nothing left. but i cant. i have things to do and life goes on, right? what happens to me and me breaking apart, doesnt effect anyone else. So i have to put on a brave face and do what i can... pick up and move on.
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I guess i came on here to say what i can not to anyone else. I think thats why i have posted here, because whether people look and see what i write or they dont. either way i dont know. there is no judging, critism and no fear of saying what i need to. if people dont like they can just click somewhere, this was never intended for a specific person to read so no harm done?
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Today i came on here write about the last goodbye i had with someone. yet i have managed to ramble through so far. so here it goes, what i came here to say:

I have wrote about him before on here, one of my first couple posts i think. the one i fell in love with. my first love...i still love him but i cant be in love with him anymore, it hurts to much. time to move on. start fresh. love like ive never been hurt...yeah,right...

the last couple days have been miserable. we have been arguing and talking in a circle, all leading to one thing: our last goodbye. neither of us could go with unspoken words. we said hurtful things and heard every one of those words. he said what he had to say. i said what i had to say. yet it doesnt seem like it was enough. today we finally gave up the fight of holding on to whatever it is we had. Goodbye memories. Goodbye whispered "i love you"s. goodbye pure joy and happiness. goodbye for good. i never thought i would say goodbye to so many things at one time, but when i said goodbye to him it was goodbye to everything. i no longer have that person who i can have a good conversation with, the one i would stay up late just talking to, the person who knew all my secrets and everything in my past, goodbye to the person who loved me for me and loved me with all the mistakes, imperfections, and flaws.

I want to cry and just ask why it had to happen. when did the laughs fade? when did the love start to burn out? when did the talks become small talk? why didnt i take the chance? why the hell am i so damn afraid, of what, life? why did i push him away when he was the one who was always there? why didnt he just the one word i long to hear, stay.

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memory:
the day my heart gave up the fight to keep beating...today.

Contemplative

I have never truly given up on anything important. As much as I would love to just give up and walk away from this life, I know that I wont.

"almost all suicides are spur of the moment due to the fact that your self preservantion instinct kicks in if you think about it to much"

maybe that is true. maybe thats why some suicide attempts are the last time a person thinks about suicide.
I once read a book (fiction) about 4 teens who wanted to commit suicide and they had all tried it but never succeeded. without saying much else about it, the story was told by a boy who had tried to commit suicide multiple times.
every time he tried to commit suicide his body objected. He first attempt suicide by drowning himself, he said that while he was at the bottom of the pool he even tried to breathe in the water, his body wouldnt let him. he waited at the bottom for awhile yet he still couldnt drown. Pills only knocked him out and he slept it off. He cut his wrists and he passed out and his blood clotted preventing him from bleeding out. He tried a couple other things but i cant remember them.

he had plotted each attempt and even though they werent all spur of the moment, his body's self preservation instincts kicked in.

Maybe this shows us that we are meant to live. to live a long life. no where does it say that we are suppose to be happy all the time. I dont remember what happy feels like. I know that at certain times I was happy. I remember being happy, I just dont remember what it felt like. Maybe we shouldnt give up because things are horrible, because our world is falling apart. Or whatever our reasons. I dont have anything to live for, I dont have any hope. but maybe its not time to give up. maybe we chould hold on to this life. we were given life for some reason. I constantly suffer, I dont want to go on but I wont give up because maybe my happiness will come years from now. or maybe not. but why not fight for tomorrow? live today and fight like hell for tomorrow.

idk if any of this made and sense. idk what I was trying to say.

Sick

I'm sick again...
Tired of being sick.

It's storming pretty bad outside.
My favorite weather.

Have you ever just listened to the rain?
Just lay down by a window or stand up staring out of one, looking at the rain?
Have you ever went outside after a storm?
Seen how everything looks perfect, new?
As if the rain washed away everything bad...
The air smells the cleanest and freshest it probably ever smells.

What if the rain could do that?
just wash away everything bad, every imperfection.
Making everything perfect.

What if we opened our eyes to see the natural beauty instead of fearing it?

Maybe we would be different. Maybe we, like the earth, were wiped cleaned...

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Memory:

It had been thundering and storming all night.
The rain was just ceasing.
It was beautiful out.
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I wrote about this memory before but I cant seem to forget it.
The night he came in my room...
I remember thinking all I wanted was for the rain to pick up again.
To wash away everything about him.
To wash me away.

It didnt rain again that night.
It didnt rain for awhile after.
Tonight it is storming out side.
Its been over a year.
Tonight maybe I can finally wash away the thought of him....

PawPaw

I don't really know who reads this. I have shown it to a few people but they probably havent looked again, nothing wrong with that...

I don't know anymore. Today was crazy.
The guy who took so much from me, is here.
He has been all day.
Whenever he is around I get this bad feeling as if I know something bad is going to happen again. This feeling has caused me to throw up 3 and now almost 4 times today... I hate this. It wont go away. This feeling is making me sick all together. I want it to go away, I want him to go away...

On another point:
I have dreaded my own birthday every year since I was 8 getting ready to turn 9.
Less than a month before I turned 9, my grandfather died. He was my hero. The only male figure in my life at the time that was worth having.

I had a hard time with his death and I still do if I think to much about it... No one ever knew that, that is why I hated birthdays so much.

Now mine is not even a week away and I want it to be over. So I can go back to being ignored...
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Memory:

Couldnt have been 8 but a couple months.
Waking up in the middle of the night, scared..
All I wanted was him.
He made everything bad go away.
Moving my brother so I could lay next to him.
With him I knew I would always be safe.
I would never have to be afraid...

The night my grandpa made me safe. But you should never feel safe, that is when the world crashes down. He died only months later...... He was my pawpaw

Death

Its been awhile. i guess alot has been going on...

this past wednesday marked 9 years my grandfather has been gone. early that morning the last member of his side of family, died. there is no one else left out of his family.

She always called me the adopted granddaughter, i asked her to celebrate grandparents day with me when i was litte, in place of my grandfather. Ever since then I have been the adopted granddaughter...

lately death has surrounded me. everyone in my community is dying.

now i end up feeling even more alone.

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Memory:

Sitting watching a movie and just start bawling.
I stopped crying a long time ago.
I cant even tell you what the movie was or what it was about.
Nothing happened that made me cry.
I just reached the point where all i could do was cry...
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The night thinking and thinking finally caught up with me.
Now i just want to cry again and again.