update

I haven't posted for awhile so here is an update:

my life recently

- Spent a week away from home, went to Ohio with a close friend and met 2 other good friends in Ohio. I had the time of my life away from reality for a little while.

- Kicked out of my house then told I could come back.

- Ended 15yr friendship with best friend.

- My father called after not talking to me for months.

- My ex, first love, who I said goodbye to and let go of months ago, decided the other night that it was the perfect night to yell at me and say everything he could to hurt me. I just avoided him and went to bed. But it hurt, so much.

- Found out through a text message that an old friend died last week. His funeral was Monday and found out Tuesday.

- Received a letter from my dream school saying I still have a spot open. The school is hard to get into and I was accept last year, I passed it up. This is the second letter I have received in a month. Perfect timing...

something happy

Things have been bad again and I need to smile so I have been trying to remember this one happy memory of my brother and me.

Memory:

It was around 4am and I was just falling asleep. Out of no where my bedroom door opens and my light turns on.
My brother was just getting home from a date. He was smiling so big.
He looks at me and says "Get up sissy, I want milk and cookies."
"Go away, go to sleep, it is 4 o'clock in the morning. People sleep at this time."
He walks over and starts shaking me lightly
"Sisssssssy get up. I want milk and cookies!"
"No"
"Then I will sit in here all night talking about milk and cookies"
"Fine"
He gets up and tells me to come on.
He walks out to the kitchen and as I put my glasses on and get up I walk out to the kitchen.
He is sitting at the kitchen table eating milk and cookies smiling at me.
I ask if he got me any and he laughs and says "nope"

We sit and talk for an hour about everything.
Laughing with each other.
We go off to bed and at 6 I get up and walk into his room.
"Bubby get up. I want milk and cookies"
He rolls over and looks at me. Flips me off and rolls back over.

I turn off the light laughing and go to bed.
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My brother is one of the few people who can get me truly laughing.
He holds onto his immaturity and innocence. I would not have it any other way.
I gave up my own dreams so he could hold onto those two things, as long as he could.
I am proud of him and the man he is becoming.
If I never do anything right in this life, I know I did the right thing staying here and watching out for him.
I love him to death.

Time to let go.

Tonight I am letting go. It is time to let go of somethings.
I am letting go of 3 people.
It is time.
I should have let them go along time ago.
Person one: my first love.
He was great and what we had was amazing but its over. Its done. He will always be a part of me because of memories but that is where he will stay.
Person two: "fuck up"
He too will be a part of me. He showed me how I don't deserve to be treated. He showed me everything I never want again. I don't regret him, I have learned a lot from that experience.
Person three: A.
He reminded me that the feeling of safety is only temporary. We are safe at times but we are vulnerable so many other times. He came in one night and destroyed that safety. He never had to face what he did to me but he can live with that. I am done letting him rule my life.

end of pain but where's a new beginning?

It seems like everything is going down hill lately. I was so happy the past couple weeks. I didn't let things get to me and then I went to the doctor friday. I wasn't given a death sentence, but still bad news. It wasn't the worst news I have received from doctors but I feel like it was a smack in the face. A smack so hard I still feel and will feel for days and weeks.

Yesterday I decided I was going to try to get my mind off things and hang out with friends I havent seen in almost a year. I found out that not only is one of my close friends moving in May but now another one is for sure moving this summer and another friend might be moving. I understand that everyone and everything has to change, it is a part of life. Its just that I never thought it would happen together. I am trying to be happy. They are moving on in their lives. They are my friends, I am suppose to be happy.

Last night I laid in bed trying to think but every thought I had been trying to suppress, came back into my mind. I laid awake for hours just staring up at my ceiling and thinking.

What did I do so wrong in life that my body hates me? It is getting worse with time and I am 18. I have "extremely uncommon" health issues according to doctors. Individually they are not so uncommon but to be together at the same time in one person is rare.

Why is it that no matter how much I want to be happy and I have been happy lately, that it can not last? Why is my life the way it is?

A poem I wrote awhile ago seems appropriate right now:

Ever walked a mile in my shoes?
Do you have an idea of hurt?
If so, you should have felt something.

I didn’t know I’d still be here,
with the world collapsing all around me.
I hadn’t thought to see tomorrow,
to lay beneath the earth,
feeling everything,
looking back on the memories,
held behind this pressure,
the end of pain---

terrified, no doubt, yet still surrounded by you.
tears, of course, love, chance!

in this new beginning at last.

why

Why is it I suck at keeping this updated? Idk.
Lately I have been happy. Its so strange for me. I wish it wasnt so difficult to accept. I am happy. Smiling for no reason throughout the day. Remembering the good times when things get bad. I am reconnecting with friends and in May I am going on a trip to see great friends. I am excited but nervous. I am changing, so much. I dont know why but its not really a bad thing. I am opening up to people and enjoying time. Although I still feel alone the majority of the time, I know I'm not.
I would never allow myself to think about the future because I wasn't suppose to have one, I was so caught up in the past I watched as my todays became yesterdays. I started slowing down. Taking time. Thinking about everything.
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Memory:
Crying all day.
Just wanting the day to be over already.
Getting into my car and opening my phone.
Reading: "I'd be lying if I told you, losing you was something I could handle."
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-My best guy friend sent me this. He and I hadn't talked in weeks and he just sent this out of the blue. I asked him why and he said he had a feeling that I needed to know that. It's lyrics to Candle (sick and tired) by The White Tie Affair.
He saved me that day. He has never known what it meant to me that day. I am thankful for him.

Surgery

Friday I finally got the surgery that could save my life. I made it through and I am home but now I am waiting to get better. I know it will not happen on its own and I will work hard to get better. I am almost happy I think. For the first time in a while I have hope. Real hope that maybe tomorrow will be better than today.
I didn't realize what I had until I had the danger of losing it. I have found that I have amazing friends who care about me. Sadly, the majority of them live hundreds of miles away. That does not change what they mean to me or how they have kept me alive. I dont know what I would do without them. I dont want to ever know that. They are completely amazing and wonderful. They showed me that it is possible for someone to care about me.
I dont know why I am writing this. I guess I just haven't posted anything in awhile. Thought maybe it was time to post some positive.
After the "recovery" period I guess I am starting a new life. I am excited. I hope I do well.

A New Year

Its been one hell of a new year so far...

I've been having spasms more which leaves me weak and tired alot.
Everyone just thinks I sleep alot.

Doctors suck... enough said.

January 1, the first official day of 2010.
I was thrown back to the past.
To my 5 year old self.
Watching her world fall apart and not knowing who to trust.
Not knowing when she would be okay, if she would ever be ok.


Christmas was ok.
I had a good time.
A friend sent me some books, probably the best gift but there was thought put into it.
At christmas, people get so worked up over what to get everyone that not a lot of people actually think, really think, about what they are getting someone. Usually we see something and say "so and so would like this" but that is all.
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Memory:

Forcing myself to stay up just a little bit longer. Wanting to see what happens at midnight. Wondering why 12:00 means so much in determining a whole new year...Watchin tv with my grandma, brother and sister.
Counting down:
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1



Nothing happens.
I dont feel any different.
Will things get better this year?

Deciding not to care.
Running into my grandparent's room and waking up my grandpa.
"Grandpa, its a new year. what happens now?"
He just smiles, gives me a hug and kiss.
"a new year means things change, Lou Lou Bella"
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-After that I just sigh because things had rarely ever changed for the better. But a little hope creeps in, my grandpa wouldnt lie to me. Obviously it was New Years Eve and the tradition we had was that I always got to go wake up my grandpa to wish him a happy new year. Something so small. I remember this one year the best because I never really saw the importance of New Years Ever, just another night. This one year my grandpa told me what it meant, well a meaning that would satisfy a little girl enough so she would leave and he would go back to sleep. No matter the meaning, this has stayed with me.
Things change, for the better or for the worse. Nothing stays the same, it isnt suppose to. To grow we must change or something needs to change.

I need to change this year. Really change. I am atleast going to try.