something happy

Things have been bad again and I need to smile so I have been trying to remember this one happy memory of my brother and me.

Memory:

It was around 4am and I was just falling asleep. Out of no where my bedroom door opens and my light turns on.
My brother was just getting home from a date. He was smiling so big.
He looks at me and says "Get up sissy, I want milk and cookies."
"Go away, go to sleep, it is 4 o'clock in the morning. People sleep at this time."
He walks over and starts shaking me lightly
"Sisssssssy get up. I want milk and cookies!"
"No"
"Then I will sit in here all night talking about milk and cookies"
"Fine"
He gets up and tells me to come on.
He walks out to the kitchen and as I put my glasses on and get up I walk out to the kitchen.
He is sitting at the kitchen table eating milk and cookies smiling at me.
I ask if he got me any and he laughs and says "nope"

We sit and talk for an hour about everything.
Laughing with each other.
We go off to bed and at 6 I get up and walk into his room.
"Bubby get up. I want milk and cookies"
He rolls over and looks at me. Flips me off and rolls back over.

I turn off the light laughing and go to bed.
-------------------------------------------------

My brother is one of the few people who can get me truly laughing.
He holds onto his immaturity and innocence. I would not have it any other way.
I gave up my own dreams so he could hold onto those two things, as long as he could.
I am proud of him and the man he is becoming.
If I never do anything right in this life, I know I did the right thing staying here and watching out for him.
I love him to death.

Time to let go.

Tonight I am letting go. It is time to let go of somethings.
I am letting go of 3 people.
It is time.
I should have let them go along time ago.
Person one: my first love.
He was great and what we had was amazing but its over. Its done. He will always be a part of me because of memories but that is where he will stay.
Person two: "fuck up"
He too will be a part of me. He showed me how I don't deserve to be treated. He showed me everything I never want again. I don't regret him, I have learned a lot from that experience.
Person three: A.
He reminded me that the feeling of safety is only temporary. We are safe at times but we are vulnerable so many other times. He came in one night and destroyed that safety. He never had to face what he did to me but he can live with that. I am done letting him rule my life.