Thursday, June 17, 2010

Changes over time

I haven't really noticed how much I have changed in a little amount of time. I have noticed some changes but never thought so many.

First time realizing a significant change:
Last week an old friend of mine stopped by with a close friend, they are dating now. I haven't seen him since February and when he seen me he had to double take. He stopped for a second, barely noticeable, and then he came up to me with a smile and hugged me. He hugged me for a couple of minutes. He pulled away, looked at me, smiled and said "I've missed you so much". We hung out for awhile, just talking and joking around. He is crazy about my friend and she is crazy about him. Seeing them together and so happy, makes me happy.


Second time:
Later that same night, a couple other old friends who I used to hang out with, stopped by. They had heard my other friends were here and wanted to stop by and hangout like we used to. Two of the friends, noticeably , stopped when they saw me and then came and sat around the table with us. We started up the conversation again, talked about old times and things that have happened since. At this point there were six people plus me, just sitting around talking.

Third time:
Another friend who had rode down with the other friends, came by to hang out until they had to leave. He brought with him 2 other people I didn't know. He walked in my house and looked around, introducing everyone to the two people he brought in with him. He got around the table to me and introduced me without really glancing at me. As he sat down, for the first time he looked at me. He stopped talking and just looked, causing everyone too. He smiled at me and then picked up where he stopped. As they were leaving, everyone said bye and promised to hang out again. This friend stopped and came up to me, looked at me for a second and just gave me a huge hug. He told me that I looked happy, that he missed hanging out and that he would stop by again the following week when he was in town.

As everyone finally left I sat back down and started thinking. Thinking about everything that has happened in just the last couple months. I thought about how they acted and how they visibly reacted. I realized I have missed out on time with them. They know I don't like to be touched but they hugged me, hesitant at first because they knew this but they did anyway. I didn't flinch away. I hugged back. Part of me didn't want to let go. They are happier now. They have changed as well. Some of the guys have girlfriends now, which made me smile knowing they are happy. A large part of me realized though, they are happier without me and even though we've missed the old times and each other, we probably won't hang out for awhile. Our lives have taken different paths.

I wish I could say I am happier without them but I can't. Yes, I am happier than I was those months ago but I am happier because I have changed and worked hard to. I thought it was all for the better, they think the change is completely for the better. In reality though, I said my goodbyes to them before surgery in February, I said goodbye to some pieces of me along with them. The change is better because I am no longer close to them as I once was, this is better so I can't hurt them. It is better because even thought I am alone, they are happy. I didn't just leave pieces of myself with them, they left pieces of themselves with me. I love those memories. Those are the ones I seem to forget so easily.

The friend who said I would see him the following week, I did see two days ago. He kept his promise to me.
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I haven't said a memory in awhile so here is a good one.

Memory:
Hanging out at a good friend's house with a few other friends. We talked, listened to music and joked around for hours. Later after the majority of them left, 4 of us decided to just hang out and play Xbox. While my best friend and another friend were playing Call of Duty, I was joking around with another friend that I could win a wrestling contest against him because he would never hurt me. He took this challenge and we started wrestling (well what we call wrestling...more like making the other person fall from a standing stance). He came up and tickled me, which was against the rules since we are both extremely ticklish, I immediately fell and he declared he won. I finally collected myself enough to focus on getting him to fall. I went straight for his knees and he went down laughing.

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- This is the night after I had gotten in a fight with my mom, a bad fight. I went to the friend's house because I needed a laugh and thought maybe it would be a small escape from reality. Instead I found a wonderful escape full of laughter and the time of my life. That entire night I had forgotten all about my mom, my family, and every other issue I had going on. Sitting here remembering it causes me to smile. Plus we used this as a private joke between the four of us. That friend who I was wrestling with was the same friend who said bye after everyone else. That friend still occasionally texts me "I so won that night, you cheated"...

Stupid body

Losing my hair again. I thought it slowed down.
Tonight as I was sitting with my brother and grandma, my grandma looked at me and her eyes filled with tears.
Without even knowing it, I made my grandma cry.
She told me that it was sad my hair is so thin. My hair used to be so thick you couldn't even seen my scalp at all. She said that I am pale again as well.

My body is wasting away it seems like these days.

I was told the other day that I had less than 4 years before my vision is gone. My optic nerve is to damaged to even swell (which it isn't suppose to on a normal person but mine should be because of my pseudotumor).

My heart is beating irregularly lately. Sometimes the pain gets so bad I start to cry. I have surgery in 2 weeks and I am wondering if my heart will be strong enough to make it through.

I am starting to wonder if I really want to fight to keep it beating, would it honestly be so bad if it just stopped? No more pain, no more hurt, no more anything....

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

update

I haven't posted for awhile so here is an update:

my life recently

- Spent a week away from home, went to Ohio with a close friend and met 2 other good friends in Ohio. I had the time of my life away from reality for a little while.

- Kicked out of my house then told I could come back.

- Ended 15yr friendship with best friend.

- My father called after not talking to me for months.

- My ex, first love, who I said goodbye to and let go of months ago, decided the other night that it was the perfect night to yell at me and say everything he could to hurt me. I just avoided him and went to bed. But it hurt, so much.

- Found out through a text message that an old friend died last week. His funeral was Monday and found out Tuesday.

- Received a letter from my dream school saying I still have a spot open. The school is hard to get into and I was accept last year, I passed it up. This is the second letter I have received in a month. Perfect timing...