the past

How do you forget the past?
just let it go?

I have been working hard on trying to letting the past go.
letting the past, stay in the past.
Yet I always get pulled back in.

I let my past rule my life.

I come so close to letting somethings of the past go and then it's as if the wound, I had thought had healed, is torn right open.

I know I can not really forget the past.
I know I need to let it go.
I know the past is who I am.


Sometimes I just get this feeling that I am so alone.
Even though I know that I am not.
I just feel empty, afraid and as if there is a huge hole in me.
I hate the feeling.
I would rather feel pain than this feeling.
I would rather feel anything than this feeling...

Trapped

Trapped..

trapped by reality.
why cant i move forward?

i cant go back.
i cant go forward.
im trapped. stuck.

today sucked.
-im missing almost $600 from my bank account.
-had an interview and they told me it was cancelled but failed to call me.
-the guy. the one i can never forget, decided to be an asshole to me today. for no reason.
-the head aches are coming back, when they come the spasms soon follow.
-im getting sicker.
-im having the chance i passed up, getting waved in front of my face again.

ive been doing better too.
i have wonderful frieends, yet i still feel so alone.
i dont want to be alone anymore.
im tired of the pain. hurt. suffering.
i want it to be over.
but as said before, i wont give up.

idk what to do anymore...
i want to fade away, disappear.
i will come back...i promise.

---------------------------------------------------
Memory:

i dont want to remember tonight....

I'm done.

I'm done with fighting to live longer.
I'm done trying to beat the odds.
...I am done...

I started getting sick in October 2005.
Every since I found out I was sick.
I decided I would fight to keep living longer because it had to be worth it.
I told myself that through every doctor appointment that always brought more bad news.
I told myself, there has to be more to this life then pain, hurt, and just surviving it.

I was wrong.
How could I be so naive.
Every instinct I have ever had told me not to beleve, not to be so stupid.
I ignored it because it was negative.
Be positive. Be positive. Be positive.
Thats what they tell you when you find out bad news.
Be positive it will be ok.

4 years ago they diagnosed me.
4 years ago I started treatments for everything.
4 years ago I thought I could beat this.

3 years ago I started fading away.
3 years ago there wasnt anything left after all the meds.
3 years ago they told me I wouldnt have to take one of the pills, ever again.

Today I was happy, from being to tired.
Today someone told me I saved their life, again.
Today a doctor told me I'm starting that pill again.

God has a sense of humor I wont deny that.

--------------------
Memory:

Looking at the doctor, wondering why the hell I am here.
Handing her a tissue that held a ball of hair.
Hair that was collected after brushing a head of hair one time.
My hair.
The doctor telling me no more pill.
The hair will come back.
--------------------

-The day I combed my hair one time after a shower. looking at the once clean brush and seeing hair that seemed to be more in the brush than on my head.
I always had thick hair. Goregous hair.
I used to love my hair.
After that day I started wearing in down. If it was up there seemed to only be thinning spots.
My hair has been starting to get thicker again, little under 3 years later.
Not anymore. Now starts the process of losing it again. The doctors wont stop the pill this time....

regret

It is 3:48 am and I am still awake..yay!! I was going to sign off and go read but then I started readin through every post i made. I whine alot. haha.

I noticed I mever said something that is important to me. Maybe important to others. Not many people will say it but I will and I mean it: I do not regret anything I have done, although I regret the things I didnt do when I should have/had the chance to.

Marilyn Monroe said "Never regret anything because at one point it was exactly what you wanted." I think that is true. Well as far as things I have done. I have not always made the best choices and if i could go back i would but I do not regret them.

I didnt have a say in most things growing up. I just did what I had to do. That is life. We make decisions and we deal with the consequences. Denying or ignoring what we do, is childish. We make our beds and we have to sleep in them.

The last post I said I was going to start hoping...I dont know what the hell I was thinking.
In a way maybe I have. I hope my brother will be ok but I dont have the faith he will be. He doesnt know any of this. He doesnt know he has to go to the doctor about his recovery. He was so little when it happened. The little butthead made me cry the whole time when he was in the hospital... They said he was brain dead, he woke out of a coma. They said he would be lucky to be out of the hospital in 6 months, he was out in 3. They said he would be a vegetable, he is a star football player. They said he wouldnt remember anything before the accident, he doesnt. He proved them wrong in the worst situations but they were right about one thing. He doesnt remember much before the accident. Which, sadly, is a good thing. He doesnt remember the bad things our mother did. He just remembers our grandfather and trips to the farm.

I hope he will be ok. I hope he will be ok. I hope he will be ok....
Things happen in 3s. So I'll say it three times.

This post is random and unexpected even from me. Lately I have so much on my mind. Surprisingly I am doing well in school. So one thing I dont have to worry about.
----------------------------
Memory:

Hanging out with my best friend.
A night in spring.
Getting a phone call from my mother at the hospital.
A drunk/high driver hit the car.
All impact went to my brother.
He looked dead.
----------------------------
- It was an April night. My mother, sister and brother went to see a movie and as they entered the town, someone idiot hit the passenger's side of the van. my sister in the passenger seat, only had a mark from the seat belt. all the impact hit my brother in the back of the van. He was flown out of the hospital to a bigger and better one in the city. He was in a coma for almost 2 weeks. The driver got 3 tickets: no seatbelt, crossing the yellow line, speeding. they didnt test him for drugs or alcohol because he said he hated needles but he reeked of booze and pot. The cops said had my brother been wearing a seatbelt, he would be dead. when the vechile hit, my brother was thrown into the other seat, it saved his life.

I dont wear my seat belt because it would have killed my brother and a couple of my friends have died because they were wearing their's. i get a lot of tickets too. the cop finally gave up and called me stubborn.... gotta love small town cops.

Surviving isn't living

Have you ever thought about why God would let something bad happen to you? Im not a religious person anymore. I fell away from my own faith a long time ago. I never stopped beleving in him. (i know beleve is misspelled. "the best part about believe is the LIE"). I learned a long time ago that hoping would never get me anywhere. So I realized that I needed to stop hoping to live my life and just survive the moment. I didnt have anything to hope for. I didnt have childhood dreams. I had childhood reality. one that was not pretty. Hope in the middle of diaster felt like a false promise. A promise that only sounded good but it would never be possible, it was completely empty. I learned that dreaming of a better life was useless and all i could do was survive the moment and then the moment after that. all i had were moments and i gave up on the little bit of light i had left of my childhood.
Now I am sitting here thinking, when did the happiness turn into pain, when did all feelings fade leaving only numbness? but i cant remember. i remember looking at my grandfather and laughing, smiling and playing but i dont remember how it felt. i remember it only last a year or two. it seems like that is when a small flicker of that light came on and then it disappeared again. the next couple of years got worse and then i started to get sick. that was five years ago. the first couple of months of being sick, no one beleved me. they thought i wanted attention. in reality i wasnt even telling them how bad it was. ive been sick ever since. they now have me diagnosed with multiple things. i take 9 pills everyday. spinal taps every couple months and now it looks like surgery once a year.
I used to pray everynight before bed. I was taught that everytime i heard an ambulance, to pray. i prayed a couple times a day. but i was always praying for someone else. always praying that someone would be ok. that someone's day could be better. i never prayed for myself. i thought it was pointless. God gave me life and it was up to me to live it and i had brought on everything that was happening to me. So instead of praying for myself, i prayed for everyone else. I still do pray for everyone else. i thought i stopped but im so used to it, i pray for them without really noticing it. it sounds weird. i never thought about praying, it was what i was taught and it was an automatic instinct in me. if i saw someone limping, i'd say to myself "please let them be ok". small prayers never really intention. a couple months ago, i had given up on myself and was about to just kill myself. i stopped and thought about everything i'd ever done and it was all about surviving that moment, that day yet here i was just throwing it away...it didnt sound logical.
I'm not going to tell you that at that moment i decided to be positive and i have never thought of suicide again. because that is the biggest lie. I think about suicide everyday. I think about how i really have no reason to live. i have even thought out the plans for suicide. the thing is though, i havent done it. i havent even attempted it. i'd like to say it is because people care but thats not it. people care because we have hearts. we see a sad movie, we care. its natural to care. i am depressed, and i have to force myself to go out with friends. to try to be happy. TRY. that seems wrong. I havent commited or attempted suicide because I have faith that someday I will be happy. Someday I will be able to wake up and smile because I am alive. maybe its that little bit of light coming around. I have faith that God didnt put me here to suffer. I would suffer for everyone if i could. if it were possible i would suffer a thousand times more if it meant no one else would.
I have survived life up until now. but surviving life isnt living life. Hope is living. Dreaming is living. I want to live. I dont want to just survive. I wear a mask that shows people everything is ok. no one sees whats beneath. i will continue to wear this mask until it becomes the truth. it will become the truth by starting to hope.

Tonight i will start to hope. Tonight I will hope that the people I know, know that they are loved and that the people i dont know, know that we were born to be happy.
--------------------------------------
Memory:

Looking out onto the ocean, watching the sun set.
wishing i could stay there forever.
Wanting to curl in a ball and just sleep there and live there.
Realizing that I was watching the most beautiful thing.
---------------
--Two years ago when I went to Australia as a student ambassador.
I was sitting on Moreton Island at Tangalooma. I remember that night so often and it fills me with peace. My heart aches to be happy like I was then.
I was in Australia for three weeks. I was happy the entire time. The sadness and pain didnt reach me there. It all came back once I stepped off the plane.

our last goodbye

I have been kinda neglecting posting here and I feel guilty about it. Things have been really busy lately and a lot has changed, but that isnt an excuse.

I just cant seem to ok anymore. I tell people I'm ok, I dont know if I'm lying but as soon as I say it I question myself. I guess if i tell people i'm ok and hear it enough i think maybe i am ok. Im not only lying to them, i am lying to myself. i just hurt so much, half the time i dont even know why, and why should i bring someone's mood down because im not ok. its easier to just put on an act. I seem ok, i seem happy and i fool everyone. I dont think anyone really reads this anymore, assuming anyone has ever followed it. So I guess its ok to just say it: I AM NOT OK!

God, right now I just want to cry. cry until i have nothing left. but i cant. i have things to do and life goes on, right? what happens to me and me breaking apart, doesnt effect anyone else. So i have to put on a brave face and do what i can... pick up and move on.
----------------------------
I guess i came on here to say what i can not to anyone else. I think thats why i have posted here, because whether people look and see what i write or they dont. either way i dont know. there is no judging, critism and no fear of saying what i need to. if people dont like they can just click somewhere, this was never intended for a specific person to read so no harm done?
----------------------------
Today i came on here write about the last goodbye i had with someone. yet i have managed to ramble through so far. so here it goes, what i came here to say:

I have wrote about him before on here, one of my first couple posts i think. the one i fell in love with. my first love...i still love him but i cant be in love with him anymore, it hurts to much. time to move on. start fresh. love like ive never been hurt...yeah,right...

the last couple days have been miserable. we have been arguing and talking in a circle, all leading to one thing: our last goodbye. neither of us could go with unspoken words. we said hurtful things and heard every one of those words. he said what he had to say. i said what i had to say. yet it doesnt seem like it was enough. today we finally gave up the fight of holding on to whatever it is we had. Goodbye memories. Goodbye whispered "i love you"s. goodbye pure joy and happiness. goodbye for good. i never thought i would say goodbye to so many things at one time, but when i said goodbye to him it was goodbye to everything. i no longer have that person who i can have a good conversation with, the one i would stay up late just talking to, the person who knew all my secrets and everything in my past, goodbye to the person who loved me for me and loved me with all the mistakes, imperfections, and flaws.

I want to cry and just ask why it had to happen. when did the laughs fade? when did the love start to burn out? when did the talks become small talk? why didnt i take the chance? why the hell am i so damn afraid, of what, life? why did i push him away when he was the one who was always there? why didnt he just the one word i long to hear, stay.

----------------------------------
memory:
the day my heart gave up the fight to keep beating...today.

Contemplative

I have never truly given up on anything important. As much as I would love to just give up and walk away from this life, I know that I wont.

"almost all suicides are spur of the moment due to the fact that your self preservantion instinct kicks in if you think about it to much"

maybe that is true. maybe thats why some suicide attempts are the last time a person thinks about suicide.
I once read a book (fiction) about 4 teens who wanted to commit suicide and they had all tried it but never succeeded. without saying much else about it, the story was told by a boy who had tried to commit suicide multiple times.
every time he tried to commit suicide his body objected. He first attempt suicide by drowning himself, he said that while he was at the bottom of the pool he even tried to breathe in the water, his body wouldnt let him. he waited at the bottom for awhile yet he still couldnt drown. Pills only knocked him out and he slept it off. He cut his wrists and he passed out and his blood clotted preventing him from bleeding out. He tried a couple other things but i cant remember them.

he had plotted each attempt and even though they werent all spur of the moment, his body's self preservation instincts kicked in.

Maybe this shows us that we are meant to live. to live a long life. no where does it say that we are suppose to be happy all the time. I dont remember what happy feels like. I know that at certain times I was happy. I remember being happy, I just dont remember what it felt like. Maybe we shouldnt give up because things are horrible, because our world is falling apart. Or whatever our reasons. I dont have anything to live for, I dont have any hope. but maybe its not time to give up. maybe we chould hold on to this life. we were given life for some reason. I constantly suffer, I dont want to go on but I wont give up because maybe my happiness will come years from now. or maybe not. but why not fight for tomorrow? live today and fight like hell for tomorrow.

idk if any of this made and sense. idk what I was trying to say.

Sick

I'm sick again...
Tired of being sick.

It's storming pretty bad outside.
My favorite weather.

Have you ever just listened to the rain?
Just lay down by a window or stand up staring out of one, looking at the rain?
Have you ever went outside after a storm?
Seen how everything looks perfect, new?
As if the rain washed away everything bad...
The air smells the cleanest and freshest it probably ever smells.

What if the rain could do that?
just wash away everything bad, every imperfection.
Making everything perfect.

What if we opened our eyes to see the natural beauty instead of fearing it?

Maybe we would be different. Maybe we, like the earth, were wiped cleaned...

-----------------------
Memory:

It had been thundering and storming all night.
The rain was just ceasing.
It was beautiful out.
------------------------

I wrote about this memory before but I cant seem to forget it.
The night he came in my room...
I remember thinking all I wanted was for the rain to pick up again.
To wash away everything about him.
To wash me away.

It didnt rain again that night.
It didnt rain for awhile after.
Tonight it is storming out side.
Its been over a year.
Tonight maybe I can finally wash away the thought of him....

PawPaw

I don't really know who reads this. I have shown it to a few people but they probably havent looked again, nothing wrong with that...

I don't know anymore. Today was crazy.
The guy who took so much from me, is here.
He has been all day.
Whenever he is around I get this bad feeling as if I know something bad is going to happen again. This feeling has caused me to throw up 3 and now almost 4 times today... I hate this. It wont go away. This feeling is making me sick all together. I want it to go away, I want him to go away...

On another point:
I have dreaded my own birthday every year since I was 8 getting ready to turn 9.
Less than a month before I turned 9, my grandfather died. He was my hero. The only male figure in my life at the time that was worth having.

I had a hard time with his death and I still do if I think to much about it... No one ever knew that, that is why I hated birthdays so much.

Now mine is not even a week away and I want it to be over. So I can go back to being ignored...
----------------------------
Memory:

Couldnt have been 8 but a couple months.
Waking up in the middle of the night, scared..
All I wanted was him.
He made everything bad go away.
Moving my brother so I could lay next to him.
With him I knew I would always be safe.
I would never have to be afraid...

The night my grandpa made me safe. But you should never feel safe, that is when the world crashes down. He died only months later...... He was my pawpaw

Death

Its been awhile. i guess alot has been going on...

this past wednesday marked 9 years my grandfather has been gone. early that morning the last member of his side of family, died. there is no one else left out of his family.

She always called me the adopted granddaughter, i asked her to celebrate grandparents day with me when i was litte, in place of my grandfather. Ever since then I have been the adopted granddaughter...

lately death has surrounded me. everyone in my community is dying.

now i end up feeling even more alone.

--------------------------------------------------
Memory:

Sitting watching a movie and just start bawling.
I stopped crying a long time ago.
I cant even tell you what the movie was or what it was about.
Nothing happened that made me cry.
I just reached the point where all i could do was cry...
--------------------------------------------------

The night thinking and thinking finally caught up with me.
Now i just want to cry again and again.

failure

Today I realized I am a failure. I'm not good at anything. I try my hardest yet I have achieved nothing. My sister hates me, my grandmother can't look at me and my brother doesn't talk to me. No one cares. There is no point to this life....

conversation

This is a conversation I had tonight with a friend of mine. This is word for word. (screen names are changed AH=friend, me=me) ...He is sometimes random as you will see.
-----------------------------------------------------------
AH says:
hey

Me says:
hey

AH says:
omg

Me says:
wat?

AH says:
i know a girl who has a perfect family and a over all good life but is so fucked up and someone like you who has been through so much stays so posative and a great person. how does this work

Me says:
what?

AH says:
read it again but slower lol

Me says:
just didnt expect it

AH says:
well seriously
you are amazing!

Me says:
are you drunk?

AH says:
lol no not in the slightest just coming to realize things lol

Me says:
ok
well i guess thank you?

AH says:
lol the other person i am referign to is someone you know, she was one year below us

Me says:
well thank you AH
but things arent always what they appear

AH says:
well if not you do a damn good job of hiding things
!]
!*

Me says:
meaning?

AH says:
if you are sayin that things are not what they seem you are good at playing that "cool" all is good attitude
-------------------------------------------
Anyway if you have actually read the conversation then thank you and you are probably wondering the importance of this.

Lately I have had things going completely bizarre. This made me happy. Happy to know that to everyone else I seem positive. that they cant see the hurt.

Fighting

When do you stop fighting for something?

When do you say to yourself, I dont think its worth the fight?

When do you decide to give up and let go of something you have fought so long to hold on to?

Do you just wake up one morning and say "There's no point, lets move on"?

What do you do when you realize that even though you have held on so long, it hasnt made a damn bit of difference?

Giving up would be easy. Its forgetting everything that has happened that would be the hardest thing...

How do you make yourself see what everyone else does?
How do you let go of something that was once perfect and safe?
How do you tell yourself that you no longer love what you once did?

These are questions that I know I'll never know the answers to...
yet that doesnt stop me from thinking about them.

--------------------------------------------
Memory:

Laying in the hospital bed thinking "Why cant this be over?"
I felt so alone just laying there.
No one understanding what I was going through..
Hell the doctors didnt even know.
Willing to give anything/everything just to be a little more healthy.
Wishing I was someone else.
Wanting to just give up on life and say goodbye for good.
Then looking out the door and seeing the little kids so happy but knowing they are so sick.

Asking myself "Why would God let a child suffer so much and then die before they even get a chance to live?"
---------------------------------

The day/night I realized I would continue to go through whatever I was dealt, hoping that if I suffered, one less person would.
I would go through any pain just so no one else had to suffer. If the doctors find out what's wrong with me and what can make it better. I would do it so they didnt have to experiment on any other.

Also the day I realized that I am never going to be okay again... that Im not going to live the many years everyone should. The day I realized that fighting for extra years just weakened me and evitably took time from what is left.

Falling to pieces

I dont think I have ever had more go wrong in one week, than i did last week.
I don't think I can take much more. I have fought for so long, yet nothing seems to improve or even just stand still. Everything is falling to pieces right in front of my eyes....

How could i have let so much happen, so much go wrong?
I have worked hard to make sure we get by...but im useless.

I would give anything for things to calm down or go back to something normal...

Memory:

Cops showing up to a domestic dispute call.
I was the one who called.
Nothing stops her.
Not even slows her down.

That night there was arms wrapped around me.
I cried and cried.
Yet he still held me...through it all.
He didnt expect anything.
He just wanted to comfort me...

That night was the last night that I really saw him.
Things go wrong and of course they did with him and me.
We broke up not long after that...
-----------------------------------------

The night I knew he cared, no matter what would happen or did happen...
The following days he broke my heart and I couldnt stand him doing it again.
I knew he would. He even knew he would.
A few days later we said our goodbyes. I knew he cared about me. He still does.
We talk but now he is just a friend. I think I like being just a friend. Its better this way.

Shattered dreams...

Dreams are meant to be just dreams.

They are not meant to become reality...atleast for me.

Whenever I think I might finally reach one small dream, it slipped out from under me.

All my dreams become shattered. That's how it always plays out.

I was so close to my dream. I was actually getting excited.

that was my mistake.

What it comes down to is this: Family responiblities come first. I refuse to do what I want while i am need at home.

So this is my goodbye to chicago. the dream was almost reality. but thats when the true reality hit me hard... goodbye.

Memory:

Promising you everything will be okay.

You will never be alone.

------------------------------

- the night i realized i had chosen to stay.

Realizing

Today I was in the hospital for blood work because I was literally blue.
Called different doctors.
Waited. Waited. Waited.
Came home and then went straight to the E.R.

Allergic to the dye in the shirt I was wearing.
Great!

All my sister can say is I am faking.
Faking being sick.
Faking everything.

I dont complain.
I haven't sinced I realized no one cared.

Even now all she can do is yell at me.
That is her only way of communicating to me.
No love.
No caring.
Nothing.
I am nothing to her...

Memory:
Mom is high and drunk again.
Fighting and fighting with someone.
My baby brother and i laying on the bed because we were forced to be quiet.
Last thing I see is mom doing something no one should.

My sister had jumped between my brother and I.
She covered our eyes.
So we wouldnt see the terrible things going on....
--------------------------------------
The night I was positive she loved me.
The night she promised to always look out for me.

Tonight I realized somewhere along the way, she stopped loving me.
She broke that promise.
Never knowing I still remember it.

Broken

Broken.
Today I realized that I can't pretend I'm okay anymore.
Im not.
I accept fully that I am broken.
Completely broken.

Last night I decided that I cant take this anymore.
Options are screaming at me.
Now is my time to pick the one that is right for me.

Things are changing in my life, so I should to.

I dont think anyone can fix what has been done.

Today I stop waiting.

Memory:
Sitting at the computer looking at songs for my 8 year old cousin.
Showing pictures of Chicago.
He asked if I would take him there one day with me.
Just him and me.

I tell him Im going to be living there and he just looks at me.
The look that tells me I just broke a piece of his heart.
He is the first person to tell me something and mean it.
That something is this: I will miss you.
-----------------------------------------------
The night I found myself crying because an 8 year old is the first person to tell me i will be missed.
The night I realized I had caused him pain...
The night I decided to rethink going to Chicago.

Alone

Have you ever felt completely alone?
Ever so alone you just want to curl up in a ball?

I have. I always do.

I could go out with friends but even with them i feel alone.
I love them, all of them. I just always feel out of place.

I talk to people but never really talk to them.

No one knows the whole story about me.
No one cares to know.
I would tell them if they cared enough to ask.

I think people only hear what they want, see only what they want.
I keep quiet about a lot of things, and i try to appear happy...

I guess i would rather people think that i just dont go to school.
They would rather just assume that then know that im in the hospital all that time.

Assumptions, suck.

memory:
Lying down on a bed in the emergancy room.
looking up at the ceiling yet seeing nothing.
i am completely numb.
feeling nothing at all.
nothing helps.
no one can help.
she is holding my hand but somewhere else.

-----------------------------------
- the night the doctors' told me i almost had a stroke. the night i laughed at them when they said stress less. the night i spent feeling completely alone and no one to talk to...

Questions

If you had a chance to forget it everything and start over, would you?
If you could just walk away and never look back, would you?
If you could start over, what would you change?

Would I take the chance?
No.

Would I walk away?
I would like to more than anything, but no.

What would I change?
I would change the way i acted as a child, by taking more responsibility. Would have made things easier if I would have.

memory:

slowly falling asleep.
it was one of those perfect summer nights.
it had been raining all day, so by the night it was cool outside and the air was perfect.
...

woke up with someone unlocking my door.
just wanting to be alone to enjoy the peace.
he got in anyway.
no one came, no one helped.
no one cared....

scars heal but memories will always be there.

----------

the night i realized there really is no way to be safe...

lena...

tonight i realized that atleast one person cares...Lena.
I hope she reads this one.
She has given me hope that maybe someone will remember me, atleast in one way.
------------------------
My mother.
I guess i should talk about her a little, so that maybe you will understand why she is a big part of my story.
My mother is bi-polar. She uses that as an excuse.
She used to be the perfect girl. Captin of the cheerleading team. Most popular girl in school. The girl every guy wanted to date, the one every girl wanted to be. She was top in her class. She went to every college. Very smart. Very beautiful. My friends still talk about how "hot" my mom used to be.
I guess this is where it started. She knows what high school is suppose to be. She knows what it is like to be everyone's dream, beautiful. Everything changed once she went to college.

Her first college was in the city about an hour away. She was introduced to drugs. You have to understand that where i live, also where she grew up, drugs are not a big thing. maybe pot, but nothing more. i live in a small small town, in the middle of nowhere. we drink but nothing bigger. our crime rate is almost nonexsistant, and what we do have is many drunk driving and domestic disbutes (the domestic issues are all my mom, no one else). there has been only one murder in my entire county and that was 40 years ago.

I didnt know my mom when she was 'good'. my sister was born when my mom was 22. i was born a couple years later. and my brother 2 years later. by the time i came around my mom was slipping further away. she had already been divorced once. my dad wasnt perfect, he was just as involved with drugs as mom. when my brother was born, there was no mom left. he never knew the little bit of a mother i had known and none of what my sister knew.

a couple years later, it was clear my sister was raising us. eventually my mom took us. we went on a 'vacation'. we got a couple states away. we wanted to be home. we didnt want to be with her. we wanted on grandparents. at that point we knew we wouldnt ever see them again. on the vacation we had seen more things than most people see in their lifetime. i wasnt even 6. eventually my mom was arrested and we were taken away from her. my sister has a diferent last name from my brother and i. she was taken one place, my brother and i a different place. i never thought i would see her again. that was when i started taking care of my brother. he was 3. luckily he doesnt remember any of this. my sister and i do. i remember everything about that vacation. we spent a couple months in foster care. no claimed us. then my grandparents came to get us. we flew home on my 6 birthday. a couple years later i found out that if we were to have stayed even a few more days, we would have become up for adoption.

my grandparents immediately got custody of all 3 of us. life was looking up. but all good things come to an end. my mom got out of jail. she came back and what her discipline then would now be considered severe child abuse. we went to the police, they just put it on record nothing more. so at an yearly age we knew no one could stop her. or atleast no one cared. years went by and even though we were with our grandparents, she got to us. my best friend witnessed alot, i think thats why we have been friends so long. she knows the truth. she has seen with her own eyes.

we never told anyone after we learned even the police didnt care. so we suffered alone and silently.

today, i talk to my mom but not much. my sister doesnt even pay attention to her. my brother talks to her to. early on i decided he wasnt going to go through what we did so i stepped in her way when she went after him. he doesnt remember and i am glad. i took his beatings and i still wouldnt have had it any other way.

my friends love my mom. they dont know the real her. they dont know the part that she calls "family issues". so when i dont talk to her or i get mad at her, i get alot of comments about how horrible i am to her. how wonderful she is. i guess i have chosen for that to be like it is. no one needs to know. i dont think i could ever really let them know the truth. they wouldnt understand. everyone one here knows the beauty in life i never will. their greatest problems with their parents is when to be home or what they are wearing. i would give anything to have only those problems.

i guess i should also tell you that the medical problems i suffer from are linked to my mom. the doctors have told me to stress less and how i should act. what they dont know is that i cant stress less. or change. they arent the ones who run and hide when they hear their mother's voice or if they see her. they arent the ones that know what she is capable of. i am the one who does. i live in fear every day of my life....

i dont think anyone will read all this. it is just nice to get it all down. there are still a lot of parts missing from this. its just all to much to bare right now. i will tell in future memories. if you do read this. thank you.

to late

I am to late. I am always to late. Never there when I should be, need to be.
I never had a 'normal' family. my mother is not what anyone could want in a mom. because of her i cant trust. i cant get close to anyone. i cant stand to be touched in any way...all because i am afraid of what could happen. I cant stand to hug a friend because my skin crawls, thinking about when i was little and having her let everyone touch me. flash backs hurt but what hurts the worst is when history repeats itself... i will never be free of my past so instead i run trying to stay ahead of it...

memory:
doctors asking me what happened. why did it happen. not knowing what they wanted me to say. even when they want my truth, i cant seem to tell it because it will hurt someone. so instead i say what i know they want me to say, what they want to hear. its doesnt matter if im in pain, as long as no one else is.

- the first spasm. the first siezure. the first time my past caught up to me..

waiting

i am numb.
i am numb because of my anti-depressant.

when i forget to take it.
i get upset over small things, but i cry.



i dont know which is better...numb or pain


memory:
waiting outside for our car to pull up, so we could go to a going away party. you never came back. i waited. fell asleep waiting, even though i knew you werent coming home ever again. waiting even after they told me you were gone forever.

waiting.
waiting.
waiting.

that night you took my heart with you. that night was suppose to be a party about seeing family again and about saying goodbye to them for awhile. instead that night we said goodbye to you. they come back but you never will.

the night my grandpa died...the night i started waiting and still i havent stopped.

love

Time flies... I can remember everything about us. But with time comes secrets. I loved him since we first met. I would do anything so he would never have to feel pain or be hurt in anyway. Instead I am the one hurting him by holding on. I cant let go. I love him to much. I need him so much. He wont tell him what he wants. All we do is fight. I cant take fighting with him.

memory:
Road tripping with a friend and her family. texting none stop. arguing back and forth. finally he tells me he cant take fighting with me over something he doesnt care that much about. He says he has to tell me something when i get home... that day never seem to have come to a close. once at home he calls and we sit and talk for awhile. he tells me that he has to say something then or else he will never. softly he said "im falling in love with you". my reply? "I started falling for you a long time ago, you caught me. i just hope i can catch you"....

- I remember that day, everything i did and everything i felt. I remember what i was wearing and what we talked about. i remember it all like it was yesterday. that was 4 years ago, almost 5. Now, i dont even remember the last time he told me he loved me...wait now i do, it was this past summer. he always told me i was his only baby and that i will forever be his baby.

i never thought forever would end so soon...

options

What do you do in a situation when you only have a couple options? What if neither is what you truly want? What do you do when what you want, you know you will never have? Do you settle? Do you forget about what you want?

Today I found out that my grandma (2) is in the nursing home because she flipped her car 3 times. she isnt doing well at all. I wish I could be there for her, she is in Louisana and I'm north of there. I don't know her daughter's number or any one she is around. All i have is her number and that doesnt seem to be helping. I have no one to call to see if she is going to be alright. She is the only one on that side of the family that I ever really knew.

Memory:
The fight between my mom and my grandma(1). I was in the middle, both pulling. Mom won and I didnt think I would ever see my grandma again. Next thing I know I am wondering if we will survive. Then the next thing i remember, the cops pulling up and arresting her and him. they went to jail and we went into the system because no one was there to claim us....

- Thats the moment I became more of an adult than a child. the last "childhood" memory. from then on, no more childhood. I was 5.

decided

I spent most of today thinking about how I would write this blog.

As of right now I have decided that I would write something about my day and then give a little of my background. like a memory or a story. A way to help you understand me a little better.

first memory:

crawling out of bed late at night because of a nightmare. wanting no one but my daddy. he came and laid with me until i fell asleep.

-the only good memory i have of my dad before he left...

getting started

So i guess this will be my official first post.

a couple years ago a good friend of mine told me that i should try this out, i didn't then. now i am and i wish that i could be able to tell him i did start a blog.

I am starting this because he told me that my story needed to be heard. He didn't know that he hadn't heard very much of it. I am doing this for him.



I have no idea how to write a blog, what to say, what not to say, or if anyone will really read it.

I also don't know if I will open up about everything or even just something.

But I am going to try this out...