Surviving isn't living

Have you ever thought about why God would let something bad happen to you? Im not a religious person anymore. I fell away from my own faith a long time ago. I never stopped beleving in him. (i know beleve is misspelled. "the best part about believe is the LIE"). I learned a long time ago that hoping would never get me anywhere. So I realized that I needed to stop hoping to live my life and just survive the moment. I didnt have anything to hope for. I didnt have childhood dreams. I had childhood reality. one that was not pretty. Hope in the middle of diaster felt like a false promise. A promise that only sounded good but it would never be possible, it was completely empty. I learned that dreaming of a better life was useless and all i could do was survive the moment and then the moment after that. all i had were moments and i gave up on the little bit of light i had left of my childhood.
Now I am sitting here thinking, when did the happiness turn into pain, when did all feelings fade leaving only numbness? but i cant remember. i remember looking at my grandfather and laughing, smiling and playing but i dont remember how it felt. i remember it only last a year or two. it seems like that is when a small flicker of that light came on and then it disappeared again. the next couple of years got worse and then i started to get sick. that was five years ago. the first couple of months of being sick, no one beleved me. they thought i wanted attention. in reality i wasnt even telling them how bad it was. ive been sick ever since. they now have me diagnosed with multiple things. i take 9 pills everyday. spinal taps every couple months and now it looks like surgery once a year.
I used to pray everynight before bed. I was taught that everytime i heard an ambulance, to pray. i prayed a couple times a day. but i was always praying for someone else. always praying that someone would be ok. that someone's day could be better. i never prayed for myself. i thought it was pointless. God gave me life and it was up to me to live it and i had brought on everything that was happening to me. So instead of praying for myself, i prayed for everyone else. I still do pray for everyone else. i thought i stopped but im so used to it, i pray for them without really noticing it. it sounds weird. i never thought about praying, it was what i was taught and it was an automatic instinct in me. if i saw someone limping, i'd say to myself "please let them be ok". small prayers never really intention. a couple months ago, i had given up on myself and was about to just kill myself. i stopped and thought about everything i'd ever done and it was all about surviving that moment, that day yet here i was just throwing it away...it didnt sound logical.
I'm not going to tell you that at that moment i decided to be positive and i have never thought of suicide again. because that is the biggest lie. I think about suicide everyday. I think about how i really have no reason to live. i have even thought out the plans for suicide. the thing is though, i havent done it. i havent even attempted it. i'd like to say it is because people care but thats not it. people care because we have hearts. we see a sad movie, we care. its natural to care. i am depressed, and i have to force myself to go out with friends. to try to be happy. TRY. that seems wrong. I havent commited or attempted suicide because I have faith that someday I will be happy. Someday I will be able to wake up and smile because I am alive. maybe its that little bit of light coming around. I have faith that God didnt put me here to suffer. I would suffer for everyone if i could. if it were possible i would suffer a thousand times more if it meant no one else would.
I have survived life up until now. but surviving life isnt living life. Hope is living. Dreaming is living. I want to live. I dont want to just survive. I wear a mask that shows people everything is ok. no one sees whats beneath. i will continue to wear this mask until it becomes the truth. it will become the truth by starting to hope.

Tonight i will start to hope. Tonight I will hope that the people I know, know that they are loved and that the people i dont know, know that we were born to be happy.
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Memory:

Looking out onto the ocean, watching the sun set.
wishing i could stay there forever.
Wanting to curl in a ball and just sleep there and live there.
Realizing that I was watching the most beautiful thing.
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--Two years ago when I went to Australia as a student ambassador.
I was sitting on Moreton Island at Tangalooma. I remember that night so often and it fills me with peace. My heart aches to be happy like I was then.
I was in Australia for three weeks. I was happy the entire time. The sadness and pain didnt reach me there. It all came back once I stepped off the plane.