our last goodbye

I have been kinda neglecting posting here and I feel guilty about it. Things have been really busy lately and a lot has changed, but that isnt an excuse.

I just cant seem to ok anymore. I tell people I'm ok, I dont know if I'm lying but as soon as I say it I question myself. I guess if i tell people i'm ok and hear it enough i think maybe i am ok. Im not only lying to them, i am lying to myself. i just hurt so much, half the time i dont even know why, and why should i bring someone's mood down because im not ok. its easier to just put on an act. I seem ok, i seem happy and i fool everyone. I dont think anyone really reads this anymore, assuming anyone has ever followed it. So I guess its ok to just say it: I AM NOT OK!

God, right now I just want to cry. cry until i have nothing left. but i cant. i have things to do and life goes on, right? what happens to me and me breaking apart, doesnt effect anyone else. So i have to put on a brave face and do what i can... pick up and move on.
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I guess i came on here to say what i can not to anyone else. I think thats why i have posted here, because whether people look and see what i write or they dont. either way i dont know. there is no judging, critism and no fear of saying what i need to. if people dont like they can just click somewhere, this was never intended for a specific person to read so no harm done?
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Today i came on here write about the last goodbye i had with someone. yet i have managed to ramble through so far. so here it goes, what i came here to say:

I have wrote about him before on here, one of my first couple posts i think. the one i fell in love with. my first love...i still love him but i cant be in love with him anymore, it hurts to much. time to move on. start fresh. love like ive never been hurt...yeah,right...

the last couple days have been miserable. we have been arguing and talking in a circle, all leading to one thing: our last goodbye. neither of us could go with unspoken words. we said hurtful things and heard every one of those words. he said what he had to say. i said what i had to say. yet it doesnt seem like it was enough. today we finally gave up the fight of holding on to whatever it is we had. Goodbye memories. Goodbye whispered "i love you"s. goodbye pure joy and happiness. goodbye for good. i never thought i would say goodbye to so many things at one time, but when i said goodbye to him it was goodbye to everything. i no longer have that person who i can have a good conversation with, the one i would stay up late just talking to, the person who knew all my secrets and everything in my past, goodbye to the person who loved me for me and loved me with all the mistakes, imperfections, and flaws.

I want to cry and just ask why it had to happen. when did the laughs fade? when did the love start to burn out? when did the talks become small talk? why didnt i take the chance? why the hell am i so damn afraid, of what, life? why did i push him away when he was the one who was always there? why didnt he just the one word i long to hear, stay.

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memory:
the day my heart gave up the fight to keep beating...today.