I'm done.

I'm done with fighting to live longer.
I'm done trying to beat the odds.
...I am done...

I started getting sick in October 2005.
Every since I found out I was sick.
I decided I would fight to keep living longer because it had to be worth it.
I told myself that through every doctor appointment that always brought more bad news.
I told myself, there has to be more to this life then pain, hurt, and just surviving it.

I was wrong.
How could I be so naive.
Every instinct I have ever had told me not to beleve, not to be so stupid.
I ignored it because it was negative.
Be positive. Be positive. Be positive.
Thats what they tell you when you find out bad news.
Be positive it will be ok.

4 years ago they diagnosed me.
4 years ago I started treatments for everything.
4 years ago I thought I could beat this.

3 years ago I started fading away.
3 years ago there wasnt anything left after all the meds.
3 years ago they told me I wouldnt have to take one of the pills, ever again.

Today I was happy, from being to tired.
Today someone told me I saved their life, again.
Today a doctor told me I'm starting that pill again.

God has a sense of humor I wont deny that.

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Memory:

Looking at the doctor, wondering why the hell I am here.
Handing her a tissue that held a ball of hair.
Hair that was collected after brushing a head of hair one time.
My hair.
The doctor telling me no more pill.
The hair will come back.
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-The day I combed my hair one time after a shower. looking at the once clean brush and seeing hair that seemed to be more in the brush than on my head.
I always had thick hair. Goregous hair.
I used to love my hair.
After that day I started wearing in down. If it was up there seemed to only be thinning spots.
My hair has been starting to get thicker again, little under 3 years later.
Not anymore. Now starts the process of losing it again. The doctors wont stop the pill this time....