to late

I am to late. I am always to late. Never there when I should be, need to be.
I never had a 'normal' family. my mother is not what anyone could want in a mom. because of her i cant trust. i cant get close to anyone. i cant stand to be touched in any way...all because i am afraid of what could happen. I cant stand to hug a friend because my skin crawls, thinking about when i was little and having her let everyone touch me. flash backs hurt but what hurts the worst is when history repeats itself... i will never be free of my past so instead i run trying to stay ahead of it...

memory:
doctors asking me what happened. why did it happen. not knowing what they wanted me to say. even when they want my truth, i cant seem to tell it because it will hurt someone. so instead i say what i know they want me to say, what they want to hear. its doesnt matter if im in pain, as long as no one else is.

- the first spasm. the first siezure. the first time my past caught up to me..