It seems like everything is going down hill lately. I was so happy the past couple weeks. I didn't let things get to me and then I went to the doctor friday. I wasn't given a death sentence, but still bad news. It wasn't the worst news I have received from doctors but I feel like it was a smack in the face. A smack so hard I still feel and will feel for days and weeks.
Yesterday I decided I was going to try to get my mind off things and hang out with friends I havent seen in almost a year. I found out that not only is one of my close friends moving in May but now another one is for sure moving this summer and another friend might be moving. I understand that everyone and everything has to change, it is a part of life. Its just that I never thought it would happen together. I am trying to be happy. They are moving on in their lives. They are my friends, I am suppose to be happy.
Last night I laid in bed trying to think but every thought I had been trying to suppress, came back into my mind. I laid awake for hours just staring up at my ceiling and thinking.
What did I do so wrong in life that my body hates me? It is getting worse with time and I am 18. I have "extremely uncommon" health issues according to doctors. Individually they are not so uncommon but to be together at the same time in one person is rare.
Why is it that no matter how much I want to be happy and I have been happy lately, that it can not last? Why is my life the way it is?
A poem I wrote awhile ago seems appropriate right now:
Ever walked a mile in my shoes?
Do you have an idea of hurt?
If so, you should have felt something.
I didn’t know I’d still be here,
with the world collapsing all around me.
I hadn’t thought to see tomorrow,
to lay beneath the earth,
feeling everything,
looking back on the memories,
held behind this pressure,
the end of pain---
terrified, no doubt, yet still surrounded by you.
tears, of course, love, chance!
in this new beginning at last.
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